


Memories Are Mapped Out by the Lines We'll Trace

by yowzahsweetie



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-26 22:06:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1704236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yowzahsweetie/pseuds/yowzahsweetie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How often do the choices we make affect our lives? What would happen if we got to re-live a part of our life having made just one different choice?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to all so much for your support with the last fic. Hope you're just as pleased with this one!

**Year 2017, Los Angeles**

Alex awakes groggily and rolls over onto her side. She glances at the clock on her bedside table.

 

9:00 a.m.

 

She is surprised to discover she slept through most of the night this time. Five  hours isn’t much by any means, but for her, lately, it’s a lifetime. She rolls again under her duvet, stretching her whole body beginning from her toes to her neck. She nuzzles her head into the cold pillow and reluctantly shifts her head to the side, opening her eyes slowly. Staring at the empty side of the bed, she lets out the deep breath that momentarily gripped her lungs.

 

Of course he wasn’t there.

 

Every morning there is a fleeting, blinding hope that she’ll open her eyes and he’ll be there again. That she’ll reach over and find her hand resting against the peaceful rise and fall of his chest. That she’ll get to see the adorable face he makes as he just starts to wake. But every morning, as it had been for the past two weeks, the fleeting hope escapes her more quickly than it came. And every morning she’s left alone, again.

 

She blinks a few times in an effort to come to her senses. Her face feels puffy and swollen again, with no doubt that she’d been crying in her sleep much like every other night. She starts to right herself into a sitting position and groans. Her whole body feels like it’s been hit by a truck. The lack of sleep and emotional turmoil have begun taking their physical toll on her body. Moving her limbs takes great effort, but she knows a hot shower will at least relax her muscles enough to be functional.

 

As she drags herself to the bathroom, she grunts. _Functional_. What a laugh. Functional for what? Enough to throw on a pair of sweats and a jumper and make her way to the couch for the day.

 

What day is it anyway? Though she’s witnessed the sun rise and set, the days have all blended together, leaving her with no concept of time or day. But she hasn’t really cared. As the hot water cascades down her body, the haze in her mind begins to clear. Alex curses the clarity. When it’s hazy and clouded, she doesn’t have to think. She doesn’t have to remember. She can easily zone out and let the hours pass her by, with only little thought dedicated to fueling herself with food. But in moments of lucid thought like this, the tears come violently and without hesitation.

 

God she misses him.

 

Her whole body trembles as she has to steady herself with a hand against the shower wall. She cries so much she can’t tell the difference between her tears and the water cleansing her body. Perhaps that is the reason they come so often – an attempt to cleanse and purge her heart.

 

She only exits the shower due to the water finally running cold. She towel dries herself, takes some clothes out of her dresser, and pads to the kitchen to make some coffee. She’s taken to coffee over tea lately. Coffee is simple, dark, rich. It keeps her awake enough to ensure she doesn’t sleep all throughout the day. Tea only reminds her of the jokes they’d make about all the different flavors in America. Tea is for calming. Tea elicits a soothing feeling. The last thing she feels or wants to feel is soothed or calm. A silly notion, she acknowledges, over a beverage. But it is one of the few things she discovered she feels in control of, and she is determined to hang on to every little bit of it that she can.

 

Opening the canister, Alex groans as she realizes there is no coffee inside. She begins to scavenge every cupboard and cabinet in an effort to find some, to no avail. Her frustration quickly mounts and she curses aloud. _I always have bloody coffee, how could it all be gone?!_ After several minutes of slamming cupboard doors and throwing things out of her way, she relents to the alternative of tea only to discover that is all gone too. She feels the tears begin to start again and it angers her. _No._ She will not let a silly little thing like this cause her to fall apart again.

 

As dreadful as it sounds, Alex resolves to simply go buy the bloody coffee. It should be simple. In and out of the shop in five minutes. She could even keep her sunglasses on the whole time to hide her face. It’s a tiny market that not many people frequent, so she figures she could be out and home within 15 minutes at most. Having not left her house in weeks, Alex hates the idea of venturing outside. Many have tried to coax her out with lunch invitations and social gatherings – all of which have been the absolute last thing she’s desired. The phone finally stopped ringing off the hook a few days ago and she thinks people have – maybe – finally gotten the hint that she’s in no mood to talk about it.

 

Her mind dead set on fulfilling this small goal, she throws her sunglasses on her face and quickly grabs her keys before given the chance to talk herself out of going.

 

* * *

Alex gets in the car and drives off. A few minutes later she is parked and walking down the sidewalk. She doesn’t walk with purpose – but rather strolls slowly, as if on autopilot, not aware of her surroundings at all. Suddenly she stops, realizing she’s walked for much longer and in the opposite direction than she intended. She looks around in an attempt to get her bearings. This corner seems oddly familiar. She lifts her head to read the sign above and rapidly she feels the walls begin to close in around her. Face flushed, panic courses through her veins and her vision clouds.

 

She can’t be here. How could she have possibly wound up here?

 

Feeling sweat begin to bead on her forehead and a dizziness she can’t control, Alex abruptly turns and runs to round the corner back to where she came from. Before she takes more than two full steps, she runs into a solid brick wall and falls backward, spilling the contents of her purse and hitting the back of her head on the concrete underneath her.

  
Only this brick wall fell as well and mutters curse words under his breath.

 

“Oh bugger – I’m so sorry,” the voice stammers out. Alex tries to shake her head clear as she sits up slowly. The voice keeps talking but she can’t understand what he’s saying to her.

 

“No, no – hey Andrew I gotta call you back, mate. Yeah. Okay bye.” Right. He wasn’t even talking to her. He was on the phone. She begins gathering the items on the ground and tossing them back in her bag. The voice – the man, she now deduces – crouches down and helps her.

 

“Hey, I’m really sorry about that, are you okay?” He asks with seeming concern.

 

_Why does that voice sound familiar?_

 

“I was just on my phone and obviously not paying attention, and I have a tendency to trip over my own two feet…” he trails off. Alex gathers the last of her items and looks around for her phone. Her gaze finally centers on the stranger’s hand holding her phone out in her direction.

 

_Those hands…_

 

Having not properly focused her attention on anything at all, Alex finally fixes her vision on the man’s face as she places her hand over her phone in his. “Are you alright?” he asks once again with a disarming grin.

 

Alex yanks her phone from his grip and scrambles backward like she’s touched a simmering flame of fire. She tears the sunglasses off her face to get a better look. Eyes wide and fear etched all over her face, she continues to inch herself away from him.

 

“Matt?” she whispers in disbelief.

 

Still crouched, he holds out his hands in a show of innocence. This woman is seemingly afraid of him and he can’t understand for the life of him why. “Yeah,” he draws out slowly, calmly. “I’m sorry – have we met before?”

 

Her chest heaves quickly as she tries to catch her breath. She shakes her head left to right in defiance. “No, no, no, no, no. You can’t really be here. You can’t – how are you here?”

 

Matt squints his eyes slightly and studies her. “Um…see I’m not understanding entirely. Why can’t I be here again?” Alex rakes a hand shakily through her curls and wipes at her eyes fiercely. She struggles to find her voice and her next words come out sounding ragged and raw.

 

“Because you died.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years earlier – 2014, Los Angeles
> 
> It’s early morning and Alex buzzes around her house, quickly making a to-do list for her day. She’s gotten Salome off to school already, and she jots down tasks including cleaning her house, laundry, some light gardening and picking up some groceries for dinner. Having recently returned from England after wrapping Chasing Shadows, Alex delights in the ability to have a proper home cooked meal. Many nights of greasy takeaway have left her stomach in a state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to the lovely Charina for the beta :) And a resounding THANK YOU to all you reading and commenting you truly humble and overwhelm me with graciousness. Enjoy!

**Three years earlier – 2014, Los Angeles**

 

It’s early morning and Alex buzzes around her house, quickly making a to-do list for her day. She’s gotten Salome off to school already, and she jots down tasks including cleaning her house, laundry, some light gardening and picking up some groceries for dinner. Having recently returned from England after wrapping Chasing Shadows, Alex delights in the ability to have a proper home cooked meal. Many nights of greasy takeaway have left her stomach in a state.

 

She glances outside through the bay window in her kitchen and smiles to herself. It’s a beautiful, sunny autumn morning. She decides to enjoy the warmer weather before getting too inundated in house chores. Grabbing her shopping list, keys, purse, and sunglasses, Alex whisks out the front door and into her car. Only a couple minutes later she finds a parking spot on a side street next to her neighborhood market. She strolls languidly down the sidewalk, enjoying the sun shining its rays upon her face. As she approaches the intersection near the market, Alex feels the urge to stay out a bit longer. Perhaps peruse the shops along the sidewalk. Just enjoy the day.

 

She heads in the opposite direction of the market and mostly window shops. She finds a quaint bookstore and heads inside, spending nearly an hour fawning over books she’d love to read if she had the time. Her fingers trace the books on one shelf and come to a pause when she sees one title in particular.

 

Rapture. Carol Ann Duffy.

 

The corners of her mouth turn up in a slight smile. Alex remembers when he had first told her about the book many years ago. It was late, they were filming long into the night, and the subject of poetry came up in conversation. Straight away he’d begun reciting a poem called _You_. She was in awe - firstly that he even enjoyed poetry, secondly that he could recite poetry, and thirdly at the delicate but haunting words his voice echoed. His voice had warmed her like liquid velvet and as she’d listened to the words, she’d suddenly yearned for him in a way she had refused herself before. There was a moment that night, after he’d finished the poem – they found themselves exchanging glances with a depth of unspoken words. A moment in which they’d searched each other’s eyes, glimpsed down at lips, the distance between them diminishing one inch at a time.

 

The sound of the director’s voice had snapped the moment into pieces. They’d righted themselves, exchanged a bit of awkward chuckles, and returned to filming. And had never spoken of it again. They never got that close again.

 

She’d heard of Matt’s tale at a recent convention during which he’d recited the opening line of the poem. She’d smiled then as she does now – at the memory, the knowledge of what they shared. She figured of course that he’d pined after a girl so much he’d memorized a poem for her. It was bittersweet, really – because it was the poem, in that moment, which had solidified her feelings for him. She never mentioned it to anyone and simply carried it with her over the years like a piece of carryon luggage. Still carries it with her to this day, though the load has lightened significantly with the distance the years have put between them.

 

She wonders how he’s doing.

 

Alex holds the book in her hands and traces her fingers lightly over the cover. Before she sinks further into ridiculous thoughts, she impulsively takes the book to the counter and purchases it. _It’s just a book of poems_ , she rationalizes. Certainly there’s no harm in acquiring new reading material.

 

With bag in hand, Alex exits the bookstore and, upon seeing the café at the end of the corner, decides to grab a tea before finishing her outing at the market. She rounds the corner and is about to open the door when instead it flies open in her direction and a body barrels into her, knocking her completely off balance. She feels hot liquid stream down the front of her body, igniting the temperature of her skin. She curses loudly and drops her bag on the ground as she fans her blouse, desperate to cool the burning sensation dripping down her chest.

 

“Oh shit,” a male voice rasps. “Shit, shit, shit. I’m so sorry,” he apologizes profusely as he holds out a wad of napkins in her direction.

 

She jerks her head up at the sound of his voice. “Matt?”

 

“Alex?” he simultaneously queries.

 

They begin laughing instantaneously. “Why am I not surprised at all that you would be the one to knock into me with a giant hot beverage?” she jibes rhetorically as she takes a few of the napkins from his grasp.

 

“Here, let me help you with that, Kingston.” He reaches out to dab at her upper chest area with the rest of the napkins held in his hand. She swats his hands away playfully.

 

“In your dreams, darling.”

 

He arches his brow. “Yes, you most definitely are in my dreams, Kingston.”

 

She’s completely incapable of wiping the huge idiotic grin off her face but feels a bit easier when she notices he’s wearing the same expression. “Stop it,” she chuckles. “You are positively incorrigible.”

 

“Make me,” he says in a low, scintillating voice as he steps closer into her personal space.

 

God help her, it’s like no time has passed at all. They haven’t spoken in months and haven’t seen each other in twice that time and yet… here they are, exchanging banter and flirting just like they used to. It feels good. It feels intoxicating. It feels _right_.

 

“Maybe I will,” she raises her brow and curls her lips in return as she plucks at the top of her blouse to dab at her chest.

 

Matt lifts his head, laughing, and grins from ear to ear as he steps toward her again, this time shifting at the last second to her side. He bends his head down to whisper in her ear and her hair tickles his nose, setting his every nerve-ending ablaze. “Who’s incorrigible now, Kingston? Hmm?”  He backs away slowly to look into her eyes and all he can see is a sparkle that matches the faint blush on her cheeks and wide grin. He wastes no more time and wraps his arms around her waist enveloping her in a giant hug. He lifts her off the ground and elicits a small squeak of surprise from her throat. She returns his embrace and holds on to him tightly, her arms around his shoulders as she inhales his scent and hums in delight.

 

He places her back on the ground. “I really am sorry for that, y’know.” He actually looks properly embarrassed.

 

“No need to worry darling. Just like old times.” She can’t help but tease him. Thankfully he snickers in reply. “But what on earth are you doing here?”

 

He bends down to pick up her bag and the book that fell out of it, but doesn’t notice the cover. “Just wrapped some filming for Terminator in New Orleans. Had to come back here to do some studio work. Someone mentioned this café had the best tea around, so here I am.” He glances down at the book and his face falls, growing stoic. He pauses for a minute before looking back up at her. Slightly uncomfortable, Alex shifts in place and clears her throat. She wants to say something, _anything_ , to alleviate the awkwardness of the moment.

 

“I saw it at the bookstore just down the way,” she points down the road. “Thought it’d be nice to read the rest of them.” With a close lipped smile, Matt gingerly places the book back in its bag and hands it to Alex. “And Terminator… I must say by the way, you’ve definitely _filled_ that role quite nicely.” She eyes him up and down in appreciation of his ever growing physique.

 

Now it’s Matt’s turn to blush and be rendered unable to come up with a witty retort. Instead he looks up at the sign above them. “ _The Memory Café,_ ” he reads. “Odd name.”

 

Alex joins him in pointing her head upward. She shrugs her shoulders lightly. “Maybe those who come here find the experience so memorable they never forget it.” He knows she’s making something up to fill the gap in conversation, and finds it utterly adorable. He shifts his eyes over to her and watches her. He wonders what she is thinking. God, how he longs to hold her one more time. Between distance and time and work obligations, they never got their timing quite right. But he misses her dreadfully – and seeing her reminds him of it like a crack of the whip to his back.

 

He shifts to face her again. “It’s certainly memorable for me,” he says in a pointed, meaningful tone. She meets his gaze and holds it, throat dry, suddenly incapable of proper speech. Luckily, he continues. “Come on then,” he gestures toward the door. “Least I can do is treat my fake wife to a proper cup of tea, coffee – I dunno, something memorable,” he grins and opens the door, waving her ahead of him with his hand. She smirks at him as she enters.

 

“Well I was in the mood for tea before but I think I’ve had quite my fill,” she jokes. “Thank god it wasn’t orange or lemongrass or whatever other ungodly flavors exist. I couldn’t bear smelling like that.”

 

He scrunches his nose and furrows his brow. “Ugh, heavens no. That’s not real tea anyway. You know that.”

 

“Yes, well you are Mr. Hollywood nowadays. Who knows what you’re into,” she teases.

 

“I thought it was pretty clear what I was into,” he toys in retort, but his eyes bore into her. She licks her lips in response and takes a deep breath. What is happening? She needs a few moments to pull herself together and gather her thoughts properly.

 

“I’m just going to-” she gestures with her thumb pointing behind her, “pop into the loo to wash up a bit.”

 

He laughs, knowing he’s making her uncomfortable and knowing she’s enjoying every minute of it just as much as he is. “Want me to order for you?”

 

“Sure, just a coffee would be great.” She makes her way toward the ladies’ room and feels she can finally let out the breath of giddiness she’s been holding in for the last twenty minutes. Before she can truly escape, he calls out after her.

 

“Just plain coffee? Not one of the fun ones with flavors and foam and whatnot?”

 

She smiles widely over her shoulder and strides back toward him, this time entering his personal space and whispering in his ear. “Surprise me,” she purrs. “Just make it memorable.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex, stares wide-eyed in disbelief, glancing between his outstretched hand and his eyes several times. She can’t understand what’s happening, nor can she seem to slow her rapid breathing. She doesn’t know whether to cry, scream or laugh at the insanity that has clearly befallen her. Her mind is swirling with a million thoughts, yet the loudest one seems to repeat itself and gets louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all for the awesome comments! And of course to my Obi-Wan beta master :) Hope you continue to enjoy!

**2017**

 

Matt stares at her like she’s grown a third head right there in front of him. He tells himself to be delicate with this woman as she’s clearly a bit off kilter. She looks positively terrified, and he thinks she’ll either run or attack him based on his next move. He stands from his crouched position and approaches her cautiously, like a loose wild animal he’s about to entrap.

 

“Well,” he begins, trying to keep his voice soft and playful. “See I’m standing right here, right in front of you, outside-” he looks up at the sign before looking back to her. “ _The Memory Café_  – so, I can’t really have died, yeah?” He can’t help himself and glances back up at the sign above, scrunching his nose in disgust. “Rubbish name,” he mutters under his breath. He continues to tiptoe in her direction, extending his arm to her as a gesture to help her off the sidewalk where she sits.

 

Alex, stares wide-eyed in disbelief, glancing between his outstretched hand and his eyes several times. She can’t understand what’s happening, nor can she seem to slow her rapid breathing. She doesn’t know whether to cry, scream or laugh at the insanity that has clearly befallen her. Her mind is swirling with a million thoughts, yet the loudest one seems to repeat itself and gets louder.

_How can he be here?_  

 

She swallows the lump in her throat and extends her trembling hand toward his. The instant she feels his skin touch hers again she nearly comes undone. The gentle yet firm grasp of his large hand around hers sends more tremors throughout her entire body. Thankfully she holds on just long enough to right herself on her feet before she lets go.

 

“Look, you took a pretty nasty hit to the head when we collided there,” he says as he bends over to grab her purse. He holds it out to her and continues. “Maybe you should-” he stops, looking at her quizzically. “Wait, I recognize you.”

  
Alex’s breath hitches in her throat and her insides freeze.

 

“You’re Alex Kingston!” he exclaims. “Yeah…I totally see it now. I’m actually a big fan of your work, you know. Especially your theatre work. It was brilliant.” He’s smiling now, with a hint of shyness about him. If she didn’t know any better, she’d say he’s treating her like a fan meeting a celebrity. “I was sorry to hear you gave it all up.”  


 

Her head snaps to attention. “Gave it all up?”

 

Now looking slightly uncomfortable, Matt shifts slightly and shoves his hands in his pockets. “Yeah well – I mean, I don’t know what actually happened, just heard rumors. Not like, y’know, _bad_ rumors or anything. And I shouldn’t even – really, I mean – it’s just ardent gossip-” he continues to trip nervously over his words and if she wasn’t so completely bewildered, she’d laugh at how adorable he is when he’s nervous. Yet as he rambles on, something tells Alex this might actually be important information to know.

 

“What did you hear, exactly?” Her attempt at a light-hearted and innocuous delivery falls flat.

 

“I’m sure none of it’s true-”

 

“It’s alright,” she interjects. This time a small smile escapes her lips and it feels _real._ “I’m a big girl, I can handle it.”

 

Matt licks his lips nervously and stares at the ground as he speaks, kicking non-existent pebbles out of the way. “After you completed your run in ER, you had a few projects here and there…got back with your ex…tried to have another kid. But…do I have to go on?”

 

“Please, if you wouldn’t mind,” she placates.

 

Matt inhales deeply and lets out the next string of words quickly and nonchalantly, not wanting to cause her any pain or grief at the wretched words of gossip rags and people who didn’t know any better. “But you couldn’t have another child and your ex left again and you tried to get some solid work but couldn’t and eventually left acting for small theatre work.” He looks to her face again, this time pointedly. “Look I’m sorry but like I said, it’s just ridiculous gossip-”

 

She silences him with a soft hand to his forearm. Their eyes focus on the point of touch and Alex quickly removes her hand. “It’s quite alright. Sometimes people just have the need to fill in the blanks.”

 

Matt notes she doesn’t deny the rumors. Then again, she’d always appeared to maintain a low profile and keep her private life _private._ When the rumors made their way around all those years ago she’d never said a word and never made a comment. Took the high road. He admired her for that, on top of her acting skills and ridiculously striking beauty. 

 

Still reeling from him standing there before her alive and well, in addition to the bit of information he just shared, it dawns on her that she must appear insane to him. This Matt doesn’t know her, for god knows whatever reason. And the information he’s provided her leaves out a plethora of her career marks, not to mention the morsel about her getting back with Florian. None of it makes the least bit of sense. But Alex, always keen to be quick on her feet, knows she needs to play along enough to try to get more information. Right now, that means _not_ looking like a complete lunatic in front her husb- no. Her husband is gone. The man that stands before her now is just plain Matt. She stands up a bit taller, straightens her shoulders, and shoots a grin his way.

 

“I should apologize for the way I acted after our little run-in. It’s just -” she pauses, scolding herself to keep it together. “I recently lost someone very close to me and I’ve been a bit out of sorts lately. Needless to say I haven’t had my morning caffeine yet either so I just wasn’t thinking clearly.” She says the last part with a light chuckle and a bit of charm and she hopes to God he buys it.

 

“But you said my name,” he deadpans.

 

“I’m sorry?” she raises her eyebrows in question.

 

“You looked at me, and said my name, like you recognized me. Then you told me I was dead.”

 

Her mind races for something to come up with. Once more she plasters a smile on her face to make it more convincing. “I probably just recognized you from your previous work and the wires must’ve just crossed in my brain is all.” She groans internally. Completely rubbish and not at all persuasive. “As I said I quite literally rolled out of bed and came here so I don’t even think I’m fully awake yet.” 

 

He stares at her for a beat then cocks his head to the side with a grin. “Happens to the best of us. So long as you’re sure your head is alright. From hitting it on the ground I mean. Not like-” he stammers and circles a finger by the side of his head as the universal sign for crazy. “Because that’s not what I meant. At all. Bugger,” he curses under his breath.

 

“My head is just fine, thank you. Both ways.” She imitates his previous gesture with her finger.

 

It elicits a warm and comfortable laugh from him. “I’m sorry again. For knocking into you and for not recognizing you straight away. You’d think I’d catch a clue with that brilliant hair of yours.” Alex feels a bizarre combination of caution and delight at once. Her cheeks flush and she’s grateful that he’s none the wiser.

 

“I’m sorry too - for your loss,” he adds delicately. “It must be tough. But I tell you what; he had to have been the luckiest bloke alive to be that close to you.”

 

Her eyes fly to his. She can’t believe it. He’s properly _flirting_ with her. How is she supposed to respond? If it was Matt… _her_ Matt, she’d have a witty and flirty retort off her lips within seconds. But it’s not him. _It can’t be him_. He doesn’t even know her.

 

But it _is_ him. At least some version of him. His eyes, all sparkling and light, are a stark contrast to hers. Her mind begins to cloud again and god the last thing she wants to do is make a fool of herself for a second time. She brings her fingers to her temples in an effort to clear her thoughts, completely unaware that he is watching her every move.

 

“I made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry,” he offers gently. “That’s all I can seem to say today, that should your nickname for me.”

 

Alex realizes he sees her holding her head in her hands and again rights herself to appear normal. “You haven’t done anything wrong, darling,” she nearly chokes as she lets the endearment roll off her tongue without notice. “Really, it’s fine.”

 

He eyes her under his fringe and grins sideways. “Tell you what, there’s one thing I can do right and that is treat you to your morning coffee.” He pops up with renewed vigor and opens the door to the café with an expectant smile.

 

“You really don’t have to do that,” Alex tries to decline politely.

 

He won’t have any of it. “Nonsense! I insist. It’s the least I could do.”

 

She bites her lip to quash the memory of hearing those same words some years prior. _It’s harmless_ , she rationalizes. It could be a way to find out more information. If this Matt is anything like the Matt she knew, she can expect him to be very loose-lipped and talkative. She used to tease him endlessly for it. Two weeks ago she’d have given anything to talk to him again. Now…now she has her chance. She nods in appreciation and enters through the door ahead of him. The emotion attached to this place nearly knocks her off her feet entirely. She turns to Matt and tries to speak breezily.

 

“I just need to head to the ladies’ room and freshen up a bit, alright?”

 

He nods and puts his hands up. “Course. Take your time. Want me to order for you?”

 

Her pulse begins to quicken and her breathing becomes labored. Still, she maintains her composure. “That would be lovely. Black coffee, please.” She turns on her heels and her eyes focus on the restroom doors. The ten foot distance seems like a mile from where she stands. She only takes a few steps when she hears his voice from behind her.

 

“You sure you don’t want one of the fun ones? Y’know, like flavors and lots of foam?”

 

Alex halts immediately and feels like she can’t move. Half of her wants to run to him, cling to him and never let go. The other half wants to run as far away as she can, crawl into a hole, and never come out. What sort of sweet torture is this? Has she died? Is this some special sort of hell she’s been sent to? Her logic settles in and she turns to him, feet remaining planted at a safe distance from where he stands.

 

“Black is just fine,” she says as evenly as possible, though her voice feels thick and raw and she can barely contain the tears that threaten to spill over and never stop. Without taking a moment’s chance to gauge his reaction, she swiftly turns again and beelines toward the bathroom door. She thanks god and everything else it’s a single stall bathroom as she locks the door behind her and sinks to the floor in a blubbering heap. She pinches her forearm repeatedly, thinking perhaps the clichéd gesture will tell her this is all just a terrible dream.

 

The only result she gets is blotchy red marks on her arm. Right then. Not a dream.

                                         

She slowly and carefully wobbles to her feet and heads to the mirror above the sink. She braces her weight on her arms and stares at her reflection. Realizing she hasn’t looked in a mirror in weeks, she finally sees the toll his death has taken on her physically. Her eyes look drawn, face gaunt – truthfully she looks as she feels. Like she hasn’t slept much at all. Like she could care less about her weight loss. Like she’s been stripped raw of every feeling and left with a void of nothingness. 

 

She grunts. The face that looks back at her now is a ghost. Not at all like the woman who married the love of her life two weeks prior.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex continues to stare into the mirror, staring at her reflection until she feels like she can see far past her eyes - into her very heart and soul. The memories are so visceral, so vivid, like she could reach out and touch them. She remembers it all – from the moment he barreled into her, quite literally, to the day he asked her to marry him, to the day he…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been pointed out to me that I'm evil for writing this - but it's pivotal and I promise it gets better. Now I shall go run and hide behind a curtain.

Alex continues to stare into the mirror, staring at her reflection until she feels like she can see far past her eyes and into her very heart and soul. The memories are so visceral, so vivid, like she could reach out and touch them. She remembers it all – from the moment he barreled into her, quite literally, to the day he asked her to marry him, to the day he…

She gulps. She can’t even say it to herself. _Died_ , her mind insists. _He died. In your arms. Right in front of your eyes._

* * *

The day they’d collided outside _The Memory Café_ was the day that had started it all. She hadn’t seen him since they’d finished wrapping on their final episode together. They’d kept tabs on each other intermittently with a few phone calls and text messages here and there. Alex complimented him on his raging success of American Psycho and admittedly felt proud of his emergence as a shining star in Hollywood. For his part, Matt sent his congratulations her way on the triumph of Macbeth. As time passed on though, the communication became less as their schedules and locations always seemed to exist at polar opposite ends of the spectrum.

As she’d recently finished the Macbeth run in New York and he’d wrapped his location shoots for Terminator, they both found themselves in Los Angeles – though both none the wiser. Seeing him again that day elated Alex exponentially. Being around him always put a smile on her face and an ease in her heart. She’d always kept a special place for him tucked away in her reserves, for her alone.

Matt, with his career zooming forward and his life a proverbial speed train, felt instantly at ease upon seeing her face again. She _was_ comfort. She felt like home. He knew that moving forward wasn’t a bad thing and ultimately he had the potential to be propelled into another phase in life entirely. It excited him, sure – but sometimes he craved the familiarity and the memory. In the quiet of night, when he sat alone in his flat, he reflected heavily on these feelings. A part of it was missing family and friends and the regularity of Who, but he realized it was more than that. He adored Karen and Arthur and properly missed them, yet he _craved_ her. It was a feeling that never dissipated and only grew the more he’d thought about it. Seeing her again was like witnessing the sun rise. It breathed life back into his body, filling him with renewed vigor and putting him in awe at the same time.

What amazed them both was how _easily_ they fell back into a routine with each other. The witty banter, the flirting, the give and take – it was, as Alex initially felt, like no time had passed whatsoever. After that day in the café, they were practically inseparable. As long as they were both in LA they saw each other nearly every day. They took to having frequent conversations during the day, which often turned into get-togethers at night. Their relationship quickly and inevitably turned physical and they virtually couldn’t get enough of one another. Alex reveled in waking in his arms and Matt worshipped in holding her at night as they lazily exchanged kisses and declarations of love.

Quickly they’d discovered their careers veering on extremely different paths, with Matt becoming quite in demand in Hollywood and Alex finding most of her work in the UK. Though they spoke every day while apart, insecurity and doubt had reared its ugly head more than a few times and tested their will and devotion to the relationship and to each other. Sometimes they’d found themselves apart for months on end with little to no time or means for personal visits. There was, of course, the added pressure of the media blitz that surrounded one or both of them at any given time. Yet no matter what, both just _knew_ it was right and knew they would do anything to be with each other.

Nearly three years after that fateful day of meeting, Matt had surprised Alex by returning home to LA early from his location shoot. He knew that Salome would be away by the time he arrived, So he’d carefully and artfully set the scene for a proposal – soft music, flowers, candlelight – every cliché possible, he’d realized, but he also knew she’d love every bit of it. When she’d arrived home and stepped through the door, she found him amidst the most romantic setting possible in one of his best suits, on bended knee. It was silly and she felt a bit old and round the bend for something like this…but _god_ she loved him even more for it. He always made his best effort for her, and always did anything possible to make her feel special and loved. She’d have stayed with him forever even without a proposal.

The wedding was a small and private affair, with only close friends and family gathered in her backyard under a canopy of white lights, draped chiffon, and fragrant flowers. It was ethereal, elegant, simple and perfect. They were toasted and wished well, dancing in each other’s arms to soft music well into the night. They left for their honeymoon the next day.

Ten days in a glass-bottom cabana above the ocean seemed like sheer perfection. It was sunny, tropical, private, and ultimately the most relaxed they’d felt in ages. With no work or the outside world getting in the way, Matt and Alex found themselves falling in love with each other all over again. It was the quintessential definition of paradise. On day eight of the trip, they’d decided on having a lazy day involving not leaving their room (or bed, for that matter) at all.

“Can we stay here forever?” Alex cooed as they lay entangled in the sheets and each other.

Matt grinned at her. “Anything you want, love. Anything for you. We could become locals,” he chuckled.

“Oooh that means you could become my own personal cabana boy!” Alex’s eyes gleamed.

He responded with a soft yet deep kiss, slipping his tongue past her lips until he heard the moan from the back of her throat he’d been waiting for. “Like I said, anything for you,” he uttered in a low, sensual voice.

“I quite like that sound of that,” she whispered breathlessly as she stroked lazy circles along his back. She quickly changed the subject as a thought dawned on her. “You know, we still haven’t opened our welcome basket from the resort. We won’t be able to take it back with us so we should see what goodies are in there.”

“I’m on it!” Matt shouted as he popped off the bed and ran to the kitchen area. He returned with an enormous basket filled with fruit, nuts, chocolate and many other delicacies for them to enjoy. They pilfered through it and a light squeal came from Alex when she found one of her favorite items.

“Chocolate covered strawberries,” she moaned in delight. “I positively _love_ these.”

“Never had ‘em myself,” Matt admitted as he foraged through the rest of the basket.

She leveled him with her glare. “Are you serious?”

He laughed at her seriousness. “You know me, love. Never had much of an affinity for _fruit_ of any kind,” he made an exaggerated facial gesture of disgust.

“Wait, so you’ve never even tasted strawberries on their own?” She asked in utter shock. He simply shook his head side to side. “Oh darling, you have no idea what you’re missing.” She held a chocolate dipped strawberry to his lips, inviting him to take a bite. He opened his mouth and nearly took her finger off as he practically bit the whole thing. She waited for his reaction and giggled in delight as his eyes fluttered closed and a moan escaped his lips.

“Good?”

“Mmmmmph. More,” he jumbled with his mouth still full.

“Alright but you better save some for me,” she snickered as she continued to feed him.

They dined on treats and delights until they were completely satiated and couldn’t bear to eat another inch of food. Matt took the basket from the bed and carried it back to the kitchen, grabbing two bottles of sparkling water before returning to the bedroom. He handed one to Alex and opened his own, taking a large swig and beating lightly at his chest.

“You alright darling?” she asked with a touch of concern.

He nods as he takes another drink. “Yeah, probably just some indigestion. Ate too much too fast.” He stepped toward her and faltered, grabbing the nearby chair for support to keep himself upright. Alex leaped from the bed and rushed toward him for added support. Suddenly she noticed his face had drawn pale and beads of sweat began to form on his forehead.

“Matt? Darling what’s the matter? What’s going on?” The level of concern in her voice rose exponentially.

He began to swing his left arm back and forth, and his right arm clutched his chest near his heart. “I don’t know…” he barely muttered out before falling to his knees and taking her down with him. “Hard…to…breathe…” he slurred in ragged breath. “Hurts…”

“Oh my god, okay, hang on darling, I’m calling the medics!” Alex had never felt a fear as palpable as she did then. She raced to the phone and with trembling fingers dialed the resort emergency line shouting for immediate medical help. She raced back to Matt to find him on his back on the floor. She quickly grabbed a robe to cover herself and knelt beside him clutching his hand. “Matt, darling, breathe okay? Keep breathing and just hang on, they’re on their way.” Alex raced through her mind trying to think of what could be happening. He clutched his heart. Shortness of breath. A light bulb flashed on in her head. “Darling I need you to sit up okay?

His breathing quickly became more belabored and he shook his head side to side in defiance. Fear and panic were etched upon his face as he looked at her with wide eyes. “Trust me darling, now sit up.” She managed to pull his shoulders up enough and put him in a half-sitting position leaning back against her as she supported herself against the bed. “Okay good, now bend your knees,” she tried to offer as soothingly as possible. He obliged and she sat there, cradling him, wiping the sweat from his brow. If this was a heart attack, she didn’t have any aspirin with her and they were running out of time. She whispered reassuringly in his ear, biting back the tears that were on the precipice of running wildly down her face. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table every ten seconds. Five minutes had passed. _Where the hell were the medics?_ They were rather isolated, she knew, but god they needed to get here _now_.

Suddenly he extended his right arm behind him and his hand blindly searched for her face. She clasped his hand in hers and pressed it to her cheek. “I’m right here darling, just _hold on_.” The floodgates had opened now and her face was plastered with tears. She felt his hand reach further back and grip the back of her neck. He was trying to bring her face closer to his. She carefully maneuvered herself enough to position her head next to his yet still support him. He turned his head to the side to look into her eyes.

“Love…you. For…ever,” he roughly breathed out as the rise and fall of his chest became more jagged.

And then, it stopped.

“Matt?” Alex yelped. “Darling wake up! Come on Matthew stay with me!” she cried as she held his face in her hands. Just then the medics arrived and quickly shooed her out of the way as they began to work on him. But something inside Alex knew. He was already gone.

She covered her mouth with her hand in an attempt to stifle the cries that began escaping as she watched them stop working and call the time. They turned to her to offer their apologies and she screamed louder and with more force than she ever thought possible. Her cries and screams and sobs ebbed and flowed like points on a wavelength, interweaving with the shock and denial. She didn’t think she had this many tears in her. She never remembered leaving the resort, getting on a plane, or arriving in LA. She only remembered his funeral as though she were outside her body witnessing it as a stranger. Every day after that turned hazy and clouded as she became more despondent and withdrawn.                                                                                                                       

They’d only just begun. And now he was gone.

* * *

Alex shakes herself from the debilitating memories, unsure how long she’s been in the bathroom and wonders if ‘new’ Matt has rightfully concurred that she is a bit irrational – no – crazy. She splashes cold water on her face, smoothes down her hair as best as she can, and exits after an extremely difficult effort to look refreshed.

“Ah, just in time!” He calls to her with two drinks in hand. “Boring black coffee for you, fun one with foam for me,” he grins and gestures to a nearby table with an outstretched arm. “Shall we?”

Alex swallows hard and plasters a smile on her face. “Can’t wait.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they sit at a nearby table, Matt and Alex sip their drinks and an immediate awkward silence fills the space between them. Alex continues to try to keep her focus on this Matt and not the memory of her Matt. She doesn’t quite know what to ask or say to him, in fear of revealing too much information that could make her appear even more suspicious.

As they sit at a nearby table, Matt and Alex sip their drinks and an immediate awkward silence fills the space between them. Alex continues to try to keep her focus on _this_ Matt and not the memory of _her_ Matt. She doesn’t quite know what to ask or say to him, in fear of revealing too much information that could make her appear even more suspicious.

Just as Matt opens his mouth to begin conversation, a boy probably no more than seven or eight years old runs up to their table. “Can you sign this for me?” he squeals with excitement in Matt’s direction.

“I’m so sorry for that,” a woman, presumably the boy’s mother, quickly laments as she catches up to him. She whispers something in the boy’s ear that immediately makes his smile fade.

“But mom, he’s the-”

“It’s alright,” Matt quickly interjects. “I’d be happy to sign anything you’d like little man.” He takes the piece of paper from the boy and quickly scribbles across it. “What’s your name?”

“Ethan,” the boy beams.

“Well Ethan I tell you what-” Matt shifts his chair to face him at eye level. “If you ask your mum real nice, how about you take a picture with me eh?” Matt’s sparkling eyes gaze upward to Ethan’s mother and he rivals him with an equally disarming boyish grin.

The mother willingly nods, readying her phone to take the picture and Matt tugs Ethan into his lap. Alex watches the interaction and her heart melts. He’s always been fantastic with children. Ethan hops off Matt’s legs and turns around to face him. “Thank you Doctor!” he squeals and throws his arms around Matt’s neck. He returns the embrace before pulling away and settling his hands on top of Ethan’s shoulders.

“You are most welcome. Now be good to your mum and go be brilliant.” He finishes with a wink. The mother mouths the words ‘Thank you’ to Matt and nods in Alex’s direction before ushering Ethan away. Matt, still grinning, turns back to his coffee and sips it.

“You were fantastic with him,” Alex notes quietly.

Matt simply shrugs with a smile, humbly, as if it’s something he experiences often yet never quite gets used to the attention. “Kids, y’know. They see me and they see The Doctor…like Batman, or Superman…I dunno, I just like to put a smile on their face.”  


Alex takes a swig of coffee and lets an off-handed comment slip from her lips. “It’s just amazing that after all this time they still see you as The Doctor.”

Matt eyes her curiously. “Because I still _am_ The Doctor.”

She blinks, unable to quickly form a clever retort. “Yes of course,” she stammers with a placating smile. When he doesn’t respond, her mind races for something else to say. “I only meant that after so long, and with social media these days, kids tend to quickly differentiate the character from the actor. Sort of like…Santa Claus, you know?” Alex curses inwardly. This is a disaster. With a sense of defeat she looks down, shaking her head side to side and dismissively waving her hand in the air. “You just wish they would stay small and innocent forever.”  She takes a long sip of her coffee and lets out a heavy sigh, fluttering her eyes closed.

“Speaking from personal experience?”

Her eyes fly open and meet his. They are soft and inviting, like he truly wants to hear what she has to say. Her tight lips turn slightly upward. “A daughter,” she says softly. “Sixteen and a handful.”

“Ah. Far removed from the frills of superheroes and clever timelords I take it.” A small, smug grin etches across his face.

Somehow Alex instantly feels more at ease. Talking about Salome, no matter what mood she’s in, always brings a smile to her face. “I’m afraid so,” she says with a light chuckle. “Though she did always love-” she catches herself – “the show.” _You_ , she mutters to herself. _She always loved you._ Though Alex could go on about her daughter for days on end, she remembers her purpose in being here with him. Information. Barring any further slips of her tongue, she feels a gentle comfort and ease between them. She senses him beginning to let his guard down and decides to probe further.

“I must admit, with no offense to you or the show, I’m a bit removed from it as of late. How long have you been doing it now?”

Matt squints as he does the quick calculation in his head. “Eight years.” He does a quick double take as if the revelation is new to him. “Blimey. Feels like a lifetime, really.”

Alex reads between the lines of his statement and continues with caution. “Have you ever given thought to doing something else? Or do you want to continue with the show?”

He smiles, albeit sadly, and she notices it immediately. “’Course I’ve thought about it. Even ventured out a bit for a few auditions. Nothing really panned out.” He holds the cup in his hand and swirls it aimlessly in circles, obviously thinking so much more than he’s saying at the moment. Alex suppresses a smile when, true to form, he can’t help but continue talking. “I mean the show is brilliant and I was a virtual nobody before it came along. Steven – the director – really took a chance on me you know? What kind of arsehole would I be if I just up and left? I dunno. It crosses my mind from time to time, especially when others leave. When I think about leaving, it’s exciting and- and- and… terrifying all at once. In the end, I suppose I just-” he lets out a loud, defeated sigh. “Lose my nerve,” he says laughing nervously.

What she wouldn’t give in this moment to reach out to him, touch him, and assure him everything will be alright. Tell him that he’s brilliant and he can go so very far with so little effort. That he’d be awed and adored all at the same time - because she’s _seen_ it. She doesn’t want to placate him, but she also knows how dangerous it could be to push him in a direction he’s not ready for yet. She doesn’t even know him. Alex chides herself not to go down that road again. _Focus_.

“It’s your safety net,” she queries softly, though its delivery is more a statement than a question.

He nods at her understanding and she swears she can see the sheen of tears glaze over his eyes. “I suppose so,” he admits. They sit in understanding silence, Alex mentally erasing every sentence she finds herself about to say aloud.

“How do you know?” The question is spoken very softly, almost a whisper, like he’s afraid to ask it out loud. He moves his eyes from the point on the table he’s been so focused on to meet hers. “How do you know when it’s the right time?”

She inhales deeply. They’d had this conversation before, albeit under much different circumstances. But the advice she’d given to him then is still applicable. She sees him fidgeting nervously and smiles, reaching her hand out to his to steady it. The touch burns her but she doesn’t waver. “There’s no real sign,” she begins. “As an actor, especially in a television series, you tend to get very comfortable very quickly. And there’s nothing wrong with that,” she quickly adds. “But if you’ve already been thinking about it, then I suspect you already know the answer to your own question.”

He looks at her so intently and so thoughtfully, and she sees the youth in his eyes as she had once before. He sits up straight in his chair, breaking their physical contact. Alex feels the loss on a deep, emotional level but tries to maintain her composure. “I dunno,” he says somewhat dismissively. “It’s like I’ve got one foot over the fence but every time I think I’m ready, I just can’t seem to get the other one over. I just…” he struggles to find the right words. “I don’t want to be… I mean I _love_ being the Doctor, y’know? What if I can’t be anything else?”

“In a role like this it can certainly be easy to become typecast,” she says very frankly. “But look at you. You’re young. You’re a brilliant actor. You’ve got so much more inside you to offer than you probably realize.”

He offers a half smile at that. “And how do you know that?”

“Call it a hunch.” She smiles back and sees the internal struggle he’s having like she has a front row seat to the inner workings of his mind. “The only other thing I can say is this…I know you’re dedicated and enjoy your work. But if you do in fact have one foot already over the fence, you have to wonder if you’re being fair not only to yourself but to the show. If you see the doubt in yourself, others will start to see it too. And that can hurt you both in your current role and your auditions.” She pauses. “Sometimes we have to walk without a safety net, so to speak. Wouldn’t it be better if you were the one to remove it yourself rather than having someone take it away from you?”  


Matt’s smile widens. “You know I’ve never been able to tell anyone any of what I just said to you.”  


“Should I consider myself lucky then?” she arches her brow.

He lets out a hearty laugh. “Hardly, Ms. Kingston. Hardly.”

“Please…call me Alex.”

“Very well, Alex. It was lovely to sit and talk with you, but I do have to get going.”

She nods and they rise, making their way to the doors of the café and outside. She didn’t get near the information she wanted to, but admittedly, if only for a brief few moments, reveled in her time with him and almost forgot that he… well. Almost forgot. She turns to face new Matt and offers her hand to his. He takes it delicately as he smiles down at her.

“Good luck to you,” she offers. He doesn’t let go of her hand.

“Thank you. And to you. The hard times pass quickly as time goes on.”

She swallows the lump in her throat and nods, removing her hand from his. They turn in opposite directions and walk away from each other.

“Alex?” she hears from behind her and turns again to face him. “Um… look I know this is gonna sound a bit weird but… I’m in LA for a couple weeks for a convention and a couple auditions.” She looks at him expectantly as he fumbles for the right words to say. “I don’t know why but I just feel this… _connection_ with you. And not in like, a creepy way I promise. But-” he kicks at a non-existent pebble on the ground. “I just really like talking with you. Would you maybe want to get together again? I mean I totally get it if you don-”

“Yes I’d love to,” she interjects, trying not to seem too eager.

“Really?” She nods in agreement again and he claps his hands. “Brilliant! How about tomorrow? Why don’t you come by my hotel in the morning – they have a breakfast menu to die for.” He scribbles the hotel information on a piece of paper and hands it to her. “Say, eight o’clock?”

“I’ll be there.” She watches as he points his fingers at her then quickly prances off away from her. Oh lord, what is she getting herself into? As she walks back to her car, as if coming down from the highest of peaks, reality once again settles in and she remembers that none of this makes sense. Not only is he _here_ and very much alive and well, he has absolutely no clue who she is. She sees a rack to her left and quickly pulls out a newspaper to check the date. Of course it’s the right date. What kind of ridiculous thoughts could she have that perhaps she’d travelled through time? Whatever the situation, Alex is determined to find out the truth.

But where in god’s name does she start?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nevertheless, she is bent and determined to get to the bottom of something. She grabs a notepad and pen and furiously begins writing down her career in somewhat of a chronological order. Before she delves into the wonderment of possibly living an alternate life, she’s got to figure out where – or better, when – things went array.

Alex returns home and enters through the front door in a haze of thoughts and emotions. Her mind still reels from her morning encounter with this new Matt and a moment of contentment floods her as she recalls their conversation. Placing her keys on the hallway table, she closes her eyes and visualizes his smile, his eyes, and the way his hands felt against hers. She recalls the panicked look on his face when she said the words “you died”. How could it even be possible that they ran into each other – literally – in front of the same place, as if the first encounter never even happened? As if they’d never met. As if-

Her head snaps to attention as Alex releases her fingers from pinching the bridge of her nose. She glances down. She’s never had a hallway table in the house before. She’s always hung her house keys on the coat rack she’d put up for Salome.

Salome.

A rush of fear-stricken panic hits Alex like a tidal wave. Though she hasn’t begun to make sense of what’s happened, she feels a sudden intense urge to hear her daughter’s voice and make sure she is safe. Alex rifles furiously through her bag to retrieve her phone. She walks from the foyer into the living room as she scrolls through her contacts for Salome’s number and makes a mental note to un-curse the day she bought her that cell phone. Just as she’s about to place the call, Alex pauses. She looks around and notices things in her home are not as they used to be. Nothing too obvious that anyone else would notice – but little things begin to tick away in her mind. The table in the hall. Artwork she’d bought while in Cardiff no longer hangs on the wall above the sofa. The fresh flowers from her garden she’d _always_ had on the coffee table aren’t there.

Coffee.

She _always_ has coffee and tea in her kitchen. Earlier when she discovered there was none there, she simply chalked it up to not having been on a grocery run in ages. As she looks around the spaces of her home, she begins to notice more and more that there is less color, less _vibrancy_ than there used to be. And though she is more than aware of the withdrawn state she’s been in for the last few weeks, it’s as if no effort has been made to make this house a home for years. Alex races to her bedroom, grabs the handles to her closet and yanks hard as the doors fly open. All her clothes are there, filling the spaces neatly.

Filling _all_ the spaces. Matt’s clothes are gone.

She charges into the master bathroom. Only her things remain. All traces of him being there have simply vanished. She blinks at the spot on the counter where a framed photo of them once stood. She’s not going crazy, she can’t be. She _knows_ it was there because she fell asleep hugging it tightly to her chest just yesterday. Alex slumps down on the edge of the roman tub and stares into nothing blankly.

What in god’s name is happening?

Adrenaline courses through her and she realizes her phone is still in her hand. She touches the screen and brings it to her ear, cradling her forehead in her other hand.

“Hello?”

“Salome! Oh thank god.” Alex breathes a huge sigh of relief.

“Mom? Uh, what’s going on? Why are you calling?”

Alex pauses for a moment, unsure really of what to say. She cannot begin to explain what she’s experiencing over the phone to her teenage daughter. “I just missed you is all,” she manages to say in earnest truth.

“O-kay…” Salome slowly draws out.

“Where are you?” Alex has to be sure that, if anything, things are normal in Salome’s world until she can find out what truly is happening. Since Matt’s passing, Alex thought it best if she stayed with her father temporarily so she wouldn’t be witness to Alex’s emotional state.

“I’m at Dad’s. Where else would I be? Are you alright mom? Do you need me to come over?”

Alex grins lightly. “No, no, darling. I’m fine, just checking in. We can talk more when you come home alright?”

Silence falls on the other end of the call. “What do you mean when I come home? I am home. Are you sure you’re okay?”

A new, unknown dread fills Alex and she races down the hallway to Salome’s bedroom. “Hang on one second darling,” she says to her as she takes the phone from her ear and presses it against her shoulder. She flings the door open and her heart drops in her chest. Gone is the four poster bed she bought Salome as a child. Gone are the books that filled the shelves and posters that littered the walls. Every personal touch to indicate that her daughter lives with her – gone. Instead she finds a simple room with a bed, television, and desk neatly arranged. A guest room. Alex doesn’t know whether to cry, scream or yell first, though at the moment she’s rendered utterly speechless. Suddenly she remembers her phone in her hand and brings it back to her ear. She speaks with as much calculated calm as she can muster.

“I’m sorry sweetheart. I had a long day yesterday and woke up in a bit of a haze. I’m fine, I promise you, and I didn’t mean to startle you. We’ll talk again soon alright?”

“Okay sure. Do you need to talk to Dad?”

“No darling, that’s not necessary. You take care and I love you.”

“Love you too mom. Bye.”

Her eyes flutter closed and she’s on the verge of losing it when new Matt’s words echo in her mind.

 _Got back with your ex. Tried to have another kid. Your ex left again. You gave it all up…_

With a sheer force of determination, Alex flies out of the room toward her office and says a silent prayer that at least _it_ is in the same place. Pulling open her file drawers, she begins to rifle through every bit of paperwork she can find for some hint of an explanation as to what is happening. She catches a glimpse of her planner and shifts her focus to that, thumbing through page after page of her calendar, trying to decipher the notes she’s jotted down. One thing that consistently appears is “Theatre Group” with various times and days. Some other random appointments are sparsed out intermittently. She flips forward and stops when she sees “weekend with Salome” scribbled in. She flips forward again to the next month and finds it again. Once a month. She only sees her daughter for one weekend every month?

She pushes the planner out of the way and once again turns her attention to the documents splayed on the table before her. She finds the file she’s looking for – divorce documents. She skims through the legal jargon, turning pages when she suddenly stops and brings a trembling hand to her mouth.

_Court believes…best interest of the child…mother’s current mental and emotional state…full custody granted to the father…monthly scheduled visitation._

Alex drops her head into her hands and cannot stop the tears from coming now. This is an absolute nightmare that she’d do anything to wake up from. Her moments of glee mere hours earlier have now been replaced again with crippling pain and agony. She lost Matt. Now she lost her daughter. But the two don’t correlate. It’s as if she’s living two completely different lives. Like somewhere, sometime, something changed and she veered onto this completely different path. Like a parallel univ-

No.

She raises her head and stares at nothing in the distance but squints her eyes to try and remember. She’d read an article one time about a woman who woke up one morning in a completely different life - her life - yet completely different nonetheless. This woman had talked about her opinion of the reality of parallel universes. The rest of the article had gone on about theoretical physics and science vernacular that hadn’t interested Alex. What _had_ interested her was how this woman had, seemingly, jumped into a completely different version of herself. She remembers reading it and how she’d thought about her own alternate lives and what they’d look like. At the time, part of her thought either the article or the woman was clearly fake - because things like that just don’t happen. Yet she also remembers another part of her feeling enthralled by the possibility. She’d always believed in the metaphysical or other-worldly occurrences. Why not believe in alternate universes? She shakes her head at the possibility. But at this point, what other sort of explanation can she come up with?

Alex notes thelaptop on the desk and opens it. She’s determined to find that article and any others that might shed any sort of light on this preposterous notion that she’s been dumped into an alternate version of her life. Before she can get very far, she again recounts her conversation with new Matt. He’d not known much about her career. He mainly recognized her work from her earlier days. Certainly nothing from the time she met him – well, met _her_ Matt.

God, her head is spinning already.

Nevertheless, she is bent and determined to get to the bottom of _something_. She grabs a notepad and pen and furiously begins writing down her career in somewhat of a chronological order. Before she delves into the wonderment of possibly living an alternate life, she’s got to figure out where – or better, _when_ – things went array. When her list is complete, Alex ventures onto the internet and, god help her, does an internet search for herself. She sees titles and clips of articles from awhile back not seeming to favor her very well. She grunts in frustration and forces herself to remain focused on simply finding her filmography bio. She breathes a quick sigh of relief when she finds it, and begins to compare it with her own notes.

One by one she checks off every project that matches both lists. Halfway down her written list, her pen hovers above the next project in line. It doesn’t match the list from the internet. In fact, _nothing_ after that point even exists.

“Oh my god,” she whispers as the realization dawns on her. Alex leans back into her chair as her consciousness attempts to wrap itself around this new information. Her first go around on Doctor Who with David. That’s where it all changes.

She never took the role of River Song.

* * *

Hours pass, the sun sets, and Alex remains in the same spot, pouring over research and notes that litter the room around her. She’d spent the better part of the afternoon hours finding out all she could about herself – or rather, this version of herself. Upon her discovery of never having the role on Who, things began to fall into place. Of course Matt _wouldn’t_ know her because by the time he came to the show, she’d never even been involved. That explains that, at least.

Regretfully, Alex read article after dreadful article about her past life and attempted reconciliation with Florian. According to her findings, all attempts at having another child failed and the marriage fell apart – after which Alex seemingly fell apart. She turned down roles, hardly left her house, was labeled ‘fragile’ by the media. She became a recluse. By the time she’d managed to venture back out into the acting world, no one wanted her. She couldn’t find solid work anywhere. With little mention of her foray into local theatre work, she then seemingly just… _disappeared_ from the public eye. Alex huffs. The ebb and flow of being an actor. It’s either too much or never enough when it comes to media attention.

Alex shifts the focus of her research from herself to the possible existence of parallel universes. She pores through science, facts, opinions, supposed true stories of universe jumping – it makes her head swim and her eyes dizzy. If she is here, where is _this_ universe’s Alex? And – oh god – if she’s here with this universe’s Salome, then she’s left _her_ Salome behind. With a blinding scream Alex shoves the piles of papers off the desk and away from her. She finds herself now with even more questions than before. How could this be happening? The pain of losing Matt was unbearable in itself but this – this is beyond comprehension. She feels overwhelmed and aches with longing for something familiar, something to send her back into her reality, no matter how awful it was. Folding her arms across the desk in front of her, she lays her head down and chokes out muffled sobs and sniffles.

What is she ever going to do?

* * *

Alex slowly opens her eyes. It’s a struggle against the swollen state her face is in from all the crying. She notices the moon through the window and realizes she cried herself to sleep for a few hours. At least _that_ she’s used to. She lets out a deep breath, knowing this hasn’t all been a dream and knowing she has to face it yet again. But she’s not ready. She doesn’t want to even move. If only she could stay here, resting her weary head and staring into the moonlight – she’d gladly take that little bit of peace right now.

“Hello sweetheart.”

She jumps in her chair and feels like she’d have jumped out of her second skin if she had one. “Matt?” Her heart beats wildly and she has to physically place her palm against it to try and slow its pace. “No. You’re not real.”

“No, I’m afraid I’m not,” he says softly. He looks at her with more love behind his eyes than she can ever remember. “But I’m still here…for you. I thought you might need me.”

Alex swallows as the blinding tears return to her eyes. “I don’t understand what’s happening,” she sobs. “And I miss you every day, and it’s not fair. It’s not fair,” she repeats. “And then I saw you today!” she adds incredulously. “Or – some other version of you. How does that work? How am I living this life I don’t even know?” She looks wide-eyed to him in search of answers and comfort.

“Sometimes the universe sees things that don’t line up, and finds a way to fix it.” His voice, so calm, so soothing, acts as a beacon of light for her.

“But it hasn’t fixed anything, don’t you see? I don’t belong here. Everything is different. And my daughter, _my_ daughter, she’s-”

“Well taken care of, I assure you.”

“By whom?”

“You, of course. Rather, this world’s version of you. Like a swap-out.”

A swap-out? That angers Alex beyond comprehension. “Well I never asked for any of this!” she argues. “And I don’t know how to handle it so please…just – fix it. Please, Matt.”

“It doesn’t work like that, sweetheart. I don’t make the rules. I can just watch – and try to guide you best I can.”

She eyes this – what, ghost? – curiously. “You watch me?”

He laughs the same Matt laugh she knows and utterly adores. “Not like that, Kingston. I’m not a creeper. Only when I can feel you really need me.”

“Why did you have to go,” she whispers, mostly to herself.

Suddenly he stands inches apart from her and tilts her chin up with his finger. “It was just my time, love. Now listen carefully. The Alex from here lost her will, her ambition, and her daughter. All things she has another chance for in our world. She never knew me. My absence won’t mean anything to her. And now, here, you’ve met another version of me who has the chance to know you all over again, for the first time. You both were headed down dark and narrow paths in life that were leading to no place good. Now you have a second chance and I beg you Alex, take it. Take it and don’t look back.”

“I…” Alex starts, breathless. “I don’t know how.”

“Sure you do,” Matt smiles and steps away from her. “Besides, never known you to back away from a challenge, Kingston.”

She reaches for him. “Matt, please don’t go.”

He smiles fondly at her. “It’s alright. I’m always here,” he says pointing to her heart. “As long as you need me to be. But remember, not everyone gets second chances. You deserve one, and so does he.”

Alex eyes him curiously. “What do you mean ‘so does he’?"

She wakes with a start and jolts upright. She’s still in her office, papers strewn everywhere, but it is daylight. That dream felt so real, so visceral. She actually felt Matt touch her once again. She somehow feels safer in this world after seeing him.

Then she remembers. “Shit,” she curses. She glances at the clock and sees the time. “Shit, shit…” Having been up half the night and uncovering what she had, she completely forgot about her – meeting – with new Matt this morning for breakfast. She races to the bathroom to get ready and look a bit more put together than she did yesterday. After all, whoever said there’s no second chance to make a good first impression was clearly out of the loop.

Apparently there are, after all, second chances.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the haze of getting ready and rushing through traffic, Alex hardly has the time to fully process all of the revelations she uncovered last night – least of all the visit from Matt in her dream. A parallel universe. A whole different life. A second chance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit on the long side just fyi...*runs and hides*

In the haze of getting ready and rushing through traffic, Alex hardly has the time to fully process all of the revelations she uncovered last night – least of all the visit from Matt in her dream.

 

A parallel universe.

 

A whole different life.

 

A second chance?

 

The lack of sleep is no match for the sheer amount of adrenaline and anxiety that rushes through her blood.  How does she just simply start over? And with all odds seemingly against her at that? Alex calms herself and thinks _one step, one day at a time_ as she stands in front of new Matt’s hotel room door. She blinks twice, unable to physically lift her hand to knock as doubt creeps in. What on earth is she thinking? And what is she expecting? For him to fall head over heels for her and suddenly everything else will just fall into place? They have no knowledge of each other, no history. This is _not_ a second chance, this is different situation altogether. This is new, this is – _hard_. And he is the least of her worries. Between her career and her daughter, she has a huge uphill battle ahead of her. She doesn’t have the strength to knock on his door and doubts if she has what it takes to build a brand new life. She remembers Matt’s words in her dream from the previous night about not backing down from a challenge. Yet this is hardly just a challenge.

 

This is impossible.

 

Just as she’s made her mind up to skip out on this breakfast meet up and retreat back home, Matt jolts the door open to her surprise. He’s got a toothbrush half in his mouth and foam from the toothpaste around his lips. Oh, does she find it adorable.

  
“Lord Kingston, were you gonna wait in that hallway forever or were you actually going to knock?” he laughs, and then pauses uncomfortably. “Sorry, that’s a bit personal – calling you by your last name like that. Weird, it just sort of came to my lips. No offense.”

 

“None taken,” she smiles – and truly means it. “I’ve been called a lot worse in my day.”

 

He returns her smile with a foam-filled one of his own. “Blimey! Sorry, sorry – come on in. I’m almost ready, just running just a bit behind.”

 

“And yet keeping an eye out in the hallway for visitors?” she quips with a sly smile.

 

“Only one. Brimming with anticipation at your arrival.” He shuts the door behind her and slips into the bathroom to wipe his face clean.

 

“And inviting a strange woman into your hotel room after only meeting her once? My my, you do move fast.” Dear god – is she _flirting_ with him? Alex doesn’t know what’s come over her, yet finds she’s slipping into easy, comfortable habits she had with her Matt. Flirting being one of them.

 

He emerges from the washroom and looks at her, his mouth crooking upwards on one side. He walks toward her slowly, purposefully, cornering her in this very narrow hallway between the bathroom and the closet. “Believe me,” he says in a low, husky voice. “When I make my move…” he leans in toward her so that he’s only inches away from her face. He leans in with his body but at the last second leans to his left, grabbing his hat from just inside the closet door. “You’ll know,” he finishes, whispering in a way that sends both shivers and flames shooting through her insides. Alex tries to manage her breathing to not let on just how much he’s affecting her. Thankfully, he backs away a few paces and grins smugly at her. Alright. Two can play at this game.

 

She turns her back to him and toward the door to make their exit. “And what makes you think you’d even be able to get that close?”

 

He’s by her side in a millisecond with his hand resting over hers on the door handle. He pushes down and together they open the door. He holds it open for her to exit first, with his other hand lightly grazing the small of her back. Again, he whispers in her ear. “I just did, didn’t I?”

 

* * *

Halfway through breakfast Alex is amazed at the ease between her and Matt. But after all, should she really be that surprised? He’s practically the same version of himself and it was so easy for her to fall in love with him before. Alex had forgotten the exhilarating feeling of falling in love. It had happened so early on in their relationship, before they were even properly together. This feeling now, of butterflies and nerves and flirting – it feels… _magical_. Properly frightful yes, but magical nonetheless.

 

“You really weren’t kidding about this breakfast,” she notes as she delicately places her napkin over her plate to avoid filling herself even more. “That was delicious. I feel like I haven’t had a proper meal in ages.”

 

Matt takes a swig of juice. “You know I completely forgot, I should have had you ask your daughter along to join us.”

 

Alex stiffens. She’s still trying to deal with what it means to only see Salome sparingly and how to go about fixing that particular situation, and fast. She looks down in her lap like it’s the most interesting thing there.  “That’s alright, actually. She’s…spending some time with her father for now.” She fidgets with the hem of her shirt and Matt, though unable to see that, quickly reads her discomfort. “But that’s quite thoughtful of you, thank you,” she quickly adds.

 

“Don’t mention it,” she hears and raises her head again to see him stuff a mouthful of syrup-laced pancakes between his lips. She stifles a laugh. “So tell me,” he continues, trying to shift the conversation. “If you want, of course. You don’t _have_ to tell me. But I’m curious.”

 

She arches her brow in curiosity herself. “Fire away.”

 

“All of the… rumors and gossip and whatnot. Personally I don’t give a piss about their validity. But you are a brilliant actress. Have you ever thought about trying to get back into it?”

 

She takes a deep breath and contemplates her answer. “I think for a long time I just lost my motivation… lost my will. But truthfully I miss it fiercely and would absolutely love to get back out there.” She pauses for a moment and adds, “The local theatre is wonderful but I find myself craving something more challenging, something where I can add my own element to a character.”

 

“So how do you get it back? The motivation, I mean.”

 

She shrugs lightly. “Lately, I feel… that it’s making its way back ‘round. Just a matter of getting in touch with the right people now, I suppose.”

 

There’s a spark behind her eyes that he hadn’t noticed before. Or perhaps it just hadn’t been there. But he can see, quite clearly, that this is a woman who goes after what she wants and doesn’t take no for an answer. It inspires him and turns him on simultaneously. He shifts in his seat when that thought crosses his mind.

 

“No worries, I’m sure it’ll work out for you. And if you need help, y’know, making contacts or anything, I’m here at your service.” He finishes with a wink.

 

“In return for what?” She playfully retorts.

 

“The pleasure of your company, of course.”

 

There it goes again. Her heart flutters with excitement and try as she might to quash it, the smile that escapes her lips is full, real, and without abandon.

 

* * *

After breakfast they exchange phone numbers and over the course of the next two weeks are virtually inseparable. Alex had played it a bit cool and nonchalant initially, not wanting to overwhelm him or attach herself too easily to the  _idea_ of him. Matt, however, had other plans and called or texted her constantly. He regaled her with stories of his convention antics, sought her advice on a few of his auditions, but mostly craved to hear her voice and see her face. She was like a powerful drug, and he continued to feel inextricably drawn to her, like the proverbial moth to the flame. They got together for meals and even took lazy strolls when time afforded them. Handshake greetings quickly turned to cheek kisses and full body hugs. Sometimes she felt his hands linger around her waist for just a moment longer than necessary and occasionally, when walking, her fingers would graze his.

 

She felt like a teenager all over again. A few intermittent looks gave way to long exchanging glances. She’d catch him staring at her out of the corner of her eye and shyly grin and look away, as if he was undressing and revealing her with no words spoken. She’d been so very careful to ensure she didn’t push him or overlay too much of her old feelings on to him. If this was truly a brand new start, it would have to be up to him. She longed to touch him and have him touch her the way she knew he could – but it needed to be when and if he was ready – and if he even wanted it.

 

Suddenly the end of the two weeks faces them and Alex invites Matt over to her house for dinner the night before he’s scheduled to fly back to England. Upon his arrival, she opens the door and invites him in and he immediately wraps her in a tight hug. She giggles in his ear and sighs inwardly at the feel of his strong arms holding her. He regretfully pulls away and follows her into the kitchen as she stands over the stove.

 

“Mmm, smells heavenly Kingston.”

 

“It’s not quite ready yet but shouldn’t be too much longer,” she says with her back to him.

 

“Who said I was talking about dinner?”

 

Thank the dear god above her back is to him because she cannot hide the flush of her cheeks and the ear to ear grin that accompanies it. “I assure you it’ll be well worth it,” she says over her shoulder. “Once upon a time I was a quite the cook.”

 

“Oh I believe it.” He now stands directly behind her and she has no idea how he wound up there. He’s like a stealthy, silent cat that way. Funny, considering how painfully clumsy he is in everyday, mundane activities. He leans down to whisper in her ear as his hands smooth down the skin of her arms. “I believe you are talented at many, many things.”

 

Though she can feel the heat rising through her body, she stands completely frozen and – amazingly enough – painfully nervous. She swallows hard and leans back against him ever so lightly. His right hand comes down on top of hers, removing the spatula from the pan and setting it aside. He then brings his hand between her stomach and the stove, clicking off the burner and resting his palm against her abdomen.

 

“What are you doing?” she barely whispers.

 

His left hand delicately sweeps her hair to one side and his lips find her skin, trailing soft, wet kisses from her shoulder to her neck. “I told you…you would know when I made my move,” his voice dark and thick with want. His tongue flicks her earlobe and he bites it gently, sending Alex’s insides through somersaults of desire. He turns her hips so that she faces him and he immediately presses against her. Her eyes flutter closed and she’s not sure how much longer she can hold back. She looks up between his mouth and his eyes and sees that he is solely focused on her mouth.

 

“Dinner can wait,” he growls and quickly hauls her against him, covering her mouth with his own, greedily sucking and licking like he can’t get enough of her. She is all but ready and returns his fervor with her own, clutching the back of his neck and mindlessly grasping at his hair. His hands are everywhere like he can’t choose which part is the best part of her to discover next. They roam from her back down to cup her bottom before travelling upwards into her hair. His tongue plunges into her mouth and intermingles with her own, the both of them so desperate to get closer to one another. She tugs at his shirt but doesn’t break their kiss as she walks them backwards toward the bedroom. He immediately divests himself of his shirt and lowers them onto the bed, crawling over her as she inches her way to the middle.

 

“You are so damn beautiful,” he barely grunts out before his mouth finds hers once more. A small whimper escapes the back of her throat as every part of her craves _more_ of him. As his lips explore her neck and nip at her collarbone, his hands push her blouse upward and over her head in one smooth motion. He stills and traces the curves of her body delicately. He’s never seen anything or anyone more exquisite. He places a soft, languid kiss to her abdomen before moving upward to do the same atop the swell of her breasts. When his face finds hers again, he notices a slight sheen to her eyes – like she’s about to cry.

 

“Is this okay?” His voice is soft and full of concern. “I know it’s a bit soon, I just…I feel so drawn to you, and I feel like I can’t get close enough.” He places a hand against her cheek. “I just want to feel every inch of you, inside and out.” He pours all of himself into a long, deep kiss, pulling back slightly to look in her eyes again. Still shiny, but she’s smiling.

 

“Yes,” she utters breathlessly. “It’s more than okay. I want the same thing… I want you.”

 

She feels his hands stroke the skin of her thigh and make their way under her skirt as he expertly uses his tongue in all the right places. He’s being so careful with her, and so lovingly attentive. A thought dawns on Alex and just as soon as Matt’s fingers gently touch her warm center, she flies up into a sitting position, causing him to jump back.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he immediately blurts out. “I didn’t mean to – it just seemed like you – like we-”

 

“No, no, it’s not your fault at all,” she quickly tries to reassure him. “I was. I mean I _am._ I want this just as much as you, Matt. But I can’t do this like this.”

 

He squints his eyes and tilts his head slightly in an attempt to understand her explanation. “I’m not really following you here, Alex. Do this like what?”

 

She’s shaking her head in a subconscious attempt to clear her mind of all these thoughts, but she can’t. The way he felt, the way his lips moved over her skin, felt so _familiar_. Like he knew just where to touch her. But the realization hit her that it was only familiar for _her_. For him, it was their first time being intimate and discovering unknown parts of her. She remembered the intimacy with _her_ Matt and how the first time was very much the same. She also remembered the clumsy, laughing times they made love and the quick shags because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. It all flooded her as this Matt’s lips connected with her skin, and she realized that as much as she wants this, wants _him_ – it’s not fair to him. At least not without being completely honest and up front first.

 

Alex sits on the edge of the bed and looks up at him. “I really want to be with you Matt, but there’s something I need to tell you first.” Her eyes glaze over again and he notices she’s trembling. He immediately comes to his knees before her so they’re at eye level and he takes her hands in his gently.

 

“Hey, hey…” he soothes. “S’okay, whatever it is. You can talk to me.” He idly rubs his thumb over the pulse point on her wrist. She looks down at their contact.

 

“I’m just going to sound like a lunatic,” she admits in a resigned voice.

 

“No more than the day you told me I’d died,” he chuckles, trying to lighten the mood. He notices instantly that she stiffens and looks directly into his eyes. “You can’t be serious, Alex.” His tone is more serious, but his position from her doesn’t waver.

 

She takes a deep breath in and slowly exhales. Here goes nothing.

 

“Two weeks ago, when we met, I told you I’d recently lost someone close to me. And I did. But what I didn’t tell you was that morning, I woke up and nothing was the same. My house was different, my daughter was gone, and then-” she gulps. “And then there was you. When I saw you and said you died, it’s because you did. In my world. You were the person I lost.”

 

“In your _world_?” is all Matt can manage to say.

 

“I think…” oh sweet lord how can she say this with a straight face? “I think – that I came from a different…universe,” she says quietly and reluctantly, though quickly aims to clarify herself. “A parallel universe. Where it’s still my life but – different.” She stares at Matt expectantly, waiting to see what sort of response she’ll be on the receiving end of.

 

He turns his head to the side, staring at the wall and nodding slowly. “Wow,” he breathes out and simultaneously stands up, running a hand through his hair and scratching the back of his neck. “Wow – just – wow,” he repeats and finally looks back to her. “I’ve heard a lot of whoppers in my life Alex, but this one? This one takes the cake.” He starts re-buttoning and zipping his pants and reaches over to retrieve his shirt. “I mean all you had to say was you didn’t want to have sex with me. But a ‘parallel universe’-” he mocks with air quotes – “that’s gotta be the most elaborate and ingenious excuse I’ve ever heard.” He finishes with a wry chuckle.

 

She immediately reaches for him and he sidesteps her touch, holding out his hand in her direction to tell her without words to stop. “No, Matt please – just – hear me out, will you? This isn’t an excuse. This is really happening to me.”

 

“Oh yeah? Okay then, enlighten me. Tell me all about this other world you come from. How do we – no, excuse me, that’s right I’m dead – how _did_ we know each other?” He stands in front of her now, arms crossed over his chest in a glaringly defiant position. His eyes, just moments ago soft and adoring, now narrow at her in bitterness.

 

Suddenly aware of her state of undress, Alex quickly grabs her blouse from the bed and pulls it over her head. She has to be strong now, tell him everything, and let the chips fall where they may. No thinking about what she _doesn’t_ yet know. No thinking about him walking out and never talking to her again.

 

“We met on Doctor Who. Before you took the role I was cast as a character with David Tennant’s doctor. My character was River Song. When you were cast Steven asked me to reprise the role, and that’s how we met. We spent the better part of two years working together with Karen and Arthur-”

 

“Karen and Arthur?” He interjects. “What, so they put you up to this?”

 

Alex shakes her head in denial and confusion. “What? No, no…but you know them here?”

 

“Worked with them, yeah. But we don’t talk anymore. Nevermind that, keep going.”       

 

She begins to pace as she recounts the rest. “When my spot was up on the show, I went back to LA, and shortly after, _you_ left the show because you started to get some really good roles and thought it was the right time. You were in town working and we ran into each other outside a coffee shop.”

 

“Convenient,” he smirks and she glares at him, but continues.

 

“After that we started to see each other more, and we fell in love.” She moves quickly through the rest of her words to avoid the pain of experiencing it all over again. “We got married, we were our honeymoon, I was feeding you strawberries, and the next minute you died in my arms. I was inconsolable and completely closed off to the outside world. But a few weeks later, I woke up one morning and ran into you. I have no idea how or why it happened, but from things I’ve researched it’s like-” she hesitates. “Like the universe’s way of trying to right a wrong. To fix itself.”

 

Matt is silent for a few seconds before bursting into laughter. Alex fidgets uncomfortably. She knew it was too good to be true that she could say any of this out loud and expect to be believed. He stops his laughter and walks out of the bedroom, beginning to gather his things to leave.

 

“Blimey you know, you really _should_ get back into acting, you know that? You’re really very brilliant at it.”

 

“Matt, this isn’t an act – or a lie – or anything of the sort. I know how it sounds, believe me I do. But imagine being the one actually having to live it!” Her voice rises and she feels anger flare in her chest.

 

He turns around to face her, his expression totally blank and devoid of anything but annoyance at this point. “Then prove it to me, Alex. If you really knew me that well then you tell me something about myself that no one else would know.”

 

Her mind races. “Your scar. You had to have 24 stitches in your head when you were three because you fell.”

 

He shrugs. “Anyone with Google can tell you that.”

 

“You wanted to be a footballer growing up, but you injured yourself and turned to acting instead.”

 

“Nothing I haven’t already said in a thousand interviews.”

 

Alex growls in frustration. “Your grandfather. You adore him and three years ago he had a health scare and you thought you might lose him. He had to have open heart surgery and you told your mum and your sister that you’d stay with him for as long as he needed. But he recovered.”

 

Matt glares at her now in silence and she hopes that was enough to prove herself to him.

 

“You know nothing about my family,” he snarls. “So leave them out of this.” He turns again to leave. “And leave me out of it too – I don’t want any part of your-” he gestures wildly with his hands “-whatever this is." He halts suddenly and turns on his heels to face her again. "It's really too bad," he says gravely. "I liked you. I actually cared for you. I felt inextricably drawn to you and in a matter of two weeks, you completely turned my world upside down. And I liked it - but not this. This is too much. Do me a favor Alex, get yourself checked out and looked after. It might do you a world of good.”

 

Then something clicks in her head. “Matt wait!” He’s got one foot out the door and doesn’t even bother turning around. “Your heart,” she says simply. “You died of a heart attack. You should get your heart looked at. Then you’ll see I’m telling you the truth.”

 

Now he spins around incredulously. “I’m thirty bloody six years old, in fairly good shape, and you’re standing there actually telling me that I’m at risk of a _heart attack_? My god Alex, what are you going to come up with next?”

 

Fire ignites from the deepest parts of her soul. If he won’t believe her enough to be with her, at the very least he can do enough to save his own life this time. “Yes, you were very young and it was irregular, but heart disease runs in your family and you eat crap all the time like a bloody twelve year old boy!” She takes a breath, chest heaving, shooting daggers his way. “If nothing else, do it for yourself,” she says resignedly.

 

She can’t read the expression on his face, but he quickly turns with one last “Goodbye, Alex,” and walks out her door.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex can’t sleep for days. She finds herself falling back into the same routine she had after Matt first passed. She only eats enough to sustain herself; she cries herself to sleep only to have it interrupted by the nightmares, so she keeps herself occupied with late night television. She used to be able to soothe herself with wedding and home videos of her, Matt, and Salome – now, in this new life, even those are gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not evil. Repeat: I. Am. Not. Evil! :D

Alex can’t sleep for days. She finds herself falling back into the same routine she had after Matt first passed. She only eats enough to sustain herself; she cries herself to sleep only to have it interrupted by the nightmares, so she keeps herself occupied with late night television. She used to be able to soothe herself with wedding and home videos of her, Matt, and Salome – now, in this new life, even those are gone.

As she sits on the sofa late one night and stares at the television, she recalls his face when she told him what she thought had happened to her. The look of shock, then sheer incredulity – only to be followed by disdain. She shouldn’t have been surprised at all, really. She imagines what it would have felt like to be in his position, hearing this nonsense. But she’d had a tiny sliver of hope that perhaps maybe he would at least listen to her and help her through this. Alex shakes her head at the recent memory and reminds herself.

_He doesn’t even know you._

She feels herself slipping further and further away into a dangerous state of mind – not caring, not trying, just…existing. She is completely unable to connect to her past and unsure what to make of her future. Dream Matt had said this was her second chance – but for what? What good is a second chance if the door is slammed in your face before you even have the opportunity to try?

Alex glances at her phone and absentmindedly scrolls through it. She scoffs as she notices the time because suddenly it’s morning. Another night come and gone and her entire being – mind, body and soul – feels numb. Empty. She checks her missed calls and text messages hoping to see that she missed something. Her calls and messages to Matt have fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps, she thinks, the saying is true that time can heal all wounds. Maybe one day their paths will cross again. God only knows what that means for her now.

Sick to death of thinking so much, Alex rises from the couch and steps toward her window, witnessing the sunrise of the new day. With it brings such promise, such hope – an endless potential of circumstances. She reflects on the very theoretical idea that brought her here in the first place. For every decision she’s made in her life, any simple change could have altered the outcome drastically. The weight of the philosophy hangs heavily on her shoulders.

One decision.

She took the role of River, and wound up with her previous life. This version of her _didn’t_ take the role, and wound up with this shell of an existence. She could’ve been so much more. As the sun pours its golden rays in through the window and across the planes of her face, Alex stands a bit straighter and resolve begins to take over.

This is _her_ life now. No point in lamenting what could have been because _she_ has the power to change it. She thinks to herself that she can do nothing and wallow in self-pity knowing exactly what the outcome will be every single day from here on out. Or…she can take matters into her own hands and be the same force in this life that she knew herself to be before. She holds all the power for her own future.

She crosses the room, grabbing her phone off the couch and heads into her office. She thumbs through her organizer, wishing desperately the phone number she’s looking for is still there. Smiling contentedly when she finds it, she dials the number to her old agent and leaves her an excited message. Alex desperately hopes that her plan will work, and that her agent hasn’t completely forgotten her and can begin looking for new work to pump blood back into her career. She quickly turns her attention to the phone again and dials a number she knows by heart – and one she doubts has been changed. The voice on the other end answers groggily and Alex bites her lip as she realizes it’s just past dawn. However, she feels more determined and resolute in this moment than she has in what feels like a very long time.

“Flor – I know it’s early and I’m sorry. But I think we need to revisit our custody arrangement for Salome.”

* * *

Meanwhile, back in London, Matt sits on the edge of his seat, unable to rid himself of thoughts surrounding Alex Kingston. He’d only met her just weeks ago and she burrowed her way under his skin and into his heart in no time at all. He’d never met anyone like her, and certainly never felt for anyone else the things he felt for her – in such a short time, no less. He’d revealed so much of himself to her and became vulnerable in a way he never imagined he could be with a woman. For the last five days he’s tried to rationalize his way out of thinking about her, trying to think of things he  _didn’t_ like. 

Besides the obvious story that she’s from another universe, of course.

Yet he can’t seem to brew any sort of distaste for her at all. Really, _everything_ about her was perfect to him. Her eyes, her skin, her voice…not to mention her heart. Even when she was going on about landing in another version of her life, the earnestness he saw in her face made him want to believe her. Matt shakes his head. The logic escapes him. It’s just not possible. That’s what fantasy television shows are for, because this stuff doesn’t _happen_ in reality.

He glances at the time on his phone. He can’t stop thinking about her and yet – he also can’t bring himself to talk to her. He’s had to ignore her calls and text messages for fear that he’d say something he could never take back. All he wanted to do was be with her, but now his confusion simply leads to anger and _more_ confusion. She needs to sort herself out on her own, and so does he. That’s why he’s here.

The doctor enters the room and glances at his chart, skimming it for any obvious issues. He looks up to Matt to greet him.

“Hello there, Mr. Smith. I’m Doctor Wattley. Any particular reason you’re here today?”

Matt shakes his head. “No, feeling fine. Just uh-” he pauses, thinking on his words. “I don’t really get around to doctors, you know? Got a bit of a nagging from my family so – figured I’d come in for a comprehensive checkup. Hopefully it’ll put them at bay.”

“Understandable. Well, we can do a physical and run some general tests, just to make sure you’re in top shape. Any areas of concern?”

Matt hesitates. “My grandfather, he – he had some heart issues a few years back. It tends to run in the family, so I’m told. Maybe be a good idea to check that out.”

Doctor Wattley scribbles notes on his chart. “Very well. I tell you what, the nurse and techs will run most of the tests for you, and if there’s any area of concern, I’ll be in touch. Sound alright?”

With a nod of his head, Matt watches the doctor exit the room and takes a deep breath, anticipating what could be to come.

* * *

Months later, Alex sits in her parents’ garden and calmly sips a cup of tea. The weather is perfect, the flowers are in bloom, and her life is headed in a positive direction. After getting back in touch with her former agent, the woman was elated to hear from Alex and ever so excited to get her working again. If nothing else she was a good friend and great for Alex’s ego, constantly telling her that her talent should never be wasted but instead shared with the world. Luckily, Alex was able to quickly land some “guest spots” on a few shows, getting her name and face back in the public realm for recognition. It was a small start, but a start nonetheless.

To make a good thing even better, Florian is slowly but surely letting Alex have more time with her daughter. He recently made the comment to her that he’s seen more light and life back in her than he ever remembered. He was glad for her, and more importantly happy for their daughter. _She needs her mother,_ he’d said. He put up no fight or blockade to share time with her, and even assisted in her petitioning the court for joint custody.

Alex smiles as she reflects on the new developments. She hears the laughter of her daughter and parents from inside the house and her smile widens. She wanted to bring Salome here to England as a vacation of sorts, and to try to reconnect her with her grandparents. Alex prays to everything she knows that the daughter she left behind is well and happy. It’s taken a great deal of effort to not think back about her previous life. Once she wrapped her mind around the idea that she was probably never going to go back, she vowed to make the most of _this_ life and asked old Matt to look after her. He never came back to her in her dreams, though sometimes in the quiet of night she would feel a presence and a sense of calm would wash over her.

She never heard from Matt in her new life after the day he stormed out her door. Once she set her focus on her career and daughter, she only had fleeting time to wallow in the fact that he wanted nothing to do with her. More so, she simply hoped he was okay. If he was anything like the other version of himself, and potentially had the same health issues, he would ignore it thinking he was impervious. For his sake, she hoped he had just a touch of humility to him.

Finished with her tea, Alex stands to join the rest of her family when her mobile buzzes on the bench below her. She takes a sharp breath when she notices the caller id.

“Hello?” she says tentatively.

Silence greets her on the other end for a moment. “Hello Alex,” Matt says in a low and soft voice.

Before she has time to think of an appropriate response, he continues. “Wondering if you might have some time to talk.”

She raises her eyebrows in surprise. This is certainly the last thing she expected. “Well, I’m actually in England for a few days with my daughter, visiting with my parents and sister.”

“Even better,” he chirps this time in a more lively voice. “I’m in London. Maybe you can swing by my flat tonight.” He says it with such authority, such definitiveness, that Alex doesn’t even know how she could say no.

_If_ she wanted to say no.

“Alright then, why don’t you give me your address and I can be there by 8?” He provides her with his information and they exchange forced pleasantries before the conversation ends. Alex stares at the phone in her hand for several minutes in utter shock and wonder. What does he want to talk about? Why now? She tries to rid herself of the anxiety that acts like a vice against her chest. It couldn’t possibly get any worse than the day they parted all those months ago.

Right. Couldn’t possibly get worse.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She distracts herself wondering what he wants to talk about and why. Maybe he just needed these months to calm down. Maybe he’s willing to hear her out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love me or hate me this is my favorite chapter *flees out of harms way*

Alex fidgets nervously as she approaches his doorway. The minute he’d given her his address, she’d known exactly where to go. It was the same flat he’d had before. The same place they’d spent days holed up in when they’d managed to both be in London. Alex has to physically pause and shake her head to rid herself of those thoughts. Instead, she distracts herself wondering what he wants to talk about and why. Maybe he just needed these months to calm down. Maybe he’s willing to hear her out. Maybe-

“You really do make it a habit of idling in people’s hallways, don’t you?” She doesn’t notice the door open until she hears his voice. She glances to him and sees a sliver of a grin at the corner of his mouth. She doesn’t know what to say. Thankfully, he opens the door fully and gestures his arm as an invitation for her to come in. She enters and stands frozen, unsure of what to do or where to go. She can’t exactly make herself at home, even though once upon a time, it was home to her.

“Please, come in, make yourself at home,” he says as he brushes past her. She groans inwardly, but places her things down and watches him cautiously. “Something to drink?”

“Please,” she says a little too enthusiastically. But she needs _something_ to occupy her hands and calm her nerves. He pours them both a glass of wine and she eases her way on to a barstool, taking a long first sip and letting the alcohol burn its way down her throat, erasing some of her tension.

He stands on the other side of the island and watches her over the countertop. “Thank you for coming.” She nods in acceptance. “I’m sorry for not returning your calls and messages. I just-” he pauses and looks down, trying to find the words. “I just – I couldn’t-” he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders, looking back up to her. “I couldn’t,” he states simply.

Alex swallows her next sip. “I understand,” is all she can say because she _does._ She _does_ understand. She’s put herself back in that situation and conversation a million times, thinking how she would’ve reacted had the roles been reversed. She wonders if maybe he’s tried to do the same. Doubtful.

“Is that all you have to say?” He offers somewhat playfully, though with enough sarcasm for Alex to take notice. It lights a fire inside her but she doesn’t want this visit to end before it even begins, so she tempers her anger as best she can.

“You were the one who wanted to do the talking, if I recall,” she offers curtly.

His mouth forms a thin line. “Right. You’re right, I did.” He takes a swig of his drink. “God only knows why, but I took you up on your recommendation to get myself checked with a doctor.”

Her heart skips a beat. “And?”

Matt eyes her warily for a moment. “Tip top shape,” he chimes with a cunning smile as he pats his chest over his heart. “No early life heart attacks on the horizon for me.” He watches her shoulders slump a little and can’t figure out if she’s reacting with relief or disappointment.

“I’m really very happy to hear that,” Alex admits truthfully, though internally she also feels a pang of disappointment that her ‘trump card’ to prove her story to him was now useless.

Somehow he sees right through her and can practically read her mind at this very moment. A stab of anger tides through him and he’s not even sure why. “Funny thing though,” he says with a touch of standoffishness. “They ran every test on me under the sun. And do y’know what they discovered?” He pauses only a moment to gauge whether he has the nerve within him to say it to her. “I have a life-threatening allergy to strawberries.” His eyes narrow upon her as he watches her reaction. “Turns out extreme anaphylactic shock can sometimes mimic a heart attack.”

The color drains from Alex’s face. No. It couldn’t be.

“So,” he continues with nonchalance. “If we take your story of us being on our honeymoon and you feeding me strawberries…” he trails off before taking the plunge to put the final nail in the coffin. He wants to stop himself from talking, from telling her this, from being this cruel - but the words keep coming out anyway.

“Then I died _at_ your hands, not _in_ them.” Shit. He couldn’t take it back now.

Her chest begins to heave rapidly and she blinks repeatedly to stem the tears from falling but they don’t stop. She stands and quickly gathers her things with a choked “I’m sorry, I should go” escaping her lips as she bolts for the door. She turns the handle and barely has it open when it shuts forcefully and she sees his arm holding it closed.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so, so sorry.” She keeps her eyes on the floor but can’t see a thing because of the massive amount of tears that blur her vision. “I’m a complete bloody arsehole,” he murmurs against her ear. “I shouldn’t have said that. But please-” his hand holding the door gently settles on top of hers holding the handle. “Please don’t go. There’s more I want to say. Please stay.”

Alex wrenches her hand out from under his and turns away from him to walk further back into the living area. “What, so you can call me a complete bloody lunatic again?” she rails. “You have no idea what I’ve gone through these past 6 months to try to come to grips with this, and you have no right-”

“I know!” He clamors back, but tries to keep a steady voice. “I _don’t_ understand what you’ve gone through – but I’ve been _trying_ to. _Trying_ to wrap my head around it, _trying_ to understand something that has no logical explanation… and it makes me angry, Alex. Because it confuses me and it terrifies me a bit because _I_. _Can’t. Understand. It._ ” He relaxes his face and says with surrender, “But I’m _trying_. For you.”

She drops her bag on the sofa behind her and brings her hands to her face to wipe away the tears and regain her composure. “Why did you invite me here?”

He shuffles toward her slowly and innocently. “To tell you some things, yeah. But mostly, and more importantly, to ask you to tell me… everything.” He puts his hands up in surrender to mimic his words. “No judgments, no comments. I’d like to know about you – about us. If you’re willing to share it.”

“Are you saying you believe me?” She asks with pursed lips.

Matt takes a deep breath in and lets it out loudly, simultaneously placing on hand on his hip and the other pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m saying-” he now crosses his arms over his chest, not defiantly, but rather protectively. “What you said about my grandfather that day – about him falling ill and me staying with him - no one else outside my family could’ve known that. We kept it very quiet.”

Alex stands a bit straighter.

“And then, I asked Steven if he ever thought about writing a character in the show named River Song. He said he had a whole arc written around her – in his head, mind you – and he auditioned several people for the part but none of them fit. He only had one actress in mind that could fill the role properly, and she turned it down.” He stares at her, hoping his words and their meaning have begun to sink their way into her mind.

“It was you, Alex,” he says with a beat. “So what I’m saying is,” he continues softly. “Tell me. Tell me everything.”

* * *

They sit on the sofa facing each other, and Alex tells Matt every painstaking detail she can think of about her former life. She tells him again how they first met, how they befriended each other, how they, along with Karen & Arthur donned themselves ‘Team Tardis’. Matt smiles fondly as Alex recounts their friendship. He’d taken it very hard and very personally when they’d left the show during his run. After Karen moved to LA and Arthur got wrapped up in the West End, they’d just simply lost touch and Matt’s pride hurt too much to be the one to reach out.

Alex tells him about River and her role in the show, which Matt finds fascinating. He comments about Steven’s mind running a million miles a minute and wonders how he fits all this stuff in it. She’s actually able to laugh as she tells story after story about their on-set antics, their flirting, and his clumsiness. She sighs with a heavy heart as she recalls her last episode and the fact that they lost touch for nearly three years. Switching gears slightly to keep the mood elevated, Alex tells him about the day outside _The Memory Café,_ tells him about his booming film career, and – eventually – gets to the part about them falling in love. As she talks Alex absentmindedly rubs the finger where her ring used to be, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Matt. She talks with such love, detail and emotion, that he knows there’s no way she could be making this up.

“You really loved him,” he offers quietly as he sits against the back of the sofa resting his head in his hand.

Alex sees the tenderness in his eyes and it mirrors her own. “More than anyone, ever. Aside from my daughter.”

Matt gives a bittersweet smile and rises, running a hand through his hair exasperatedly. “Shit,” he whispers as he begins pacing slowly back and forth.

“What’s the matter?” Alex asks cautiously.

“I believe you. I believe all of it. Now more than ever.”

Alex squints her eyes as her brain tries to comprehend his logic. “And the problem with that is…?” He doesn’t answer and keeps pacing the same ten feet back and forth. “Darling you’re going to burn a hole through your rug.”

He stops and faces her, admiring her beauty and soaking it in.

“When I met you and we spent those two weeks together, I didn’t want it to end. And there was no other person in the world – past or present – that I wanted to see, and talk to, and be with, more than you.” He pauses before his next words. “I thought if I didn’t believe you, I could just walk away from you and move on with my life. That didn’t work. So then I thought if I just said I believed you we could still move on from it and get past it. But that won’t work either. Because I do believe you, whole-heartedly.” He sits down gently, as close to her as he can get, and gently toys with a curl before brushing his fingertips over the side of her face as he tucks it behind her ear.

Her breath hitches in her throat and can’t believe how much she melts at the slightest touch from him. “So if you believe me, why can’t you be with me?”

He looks at her adoringly and moves his other hands to cradle the sides of her face. Alex swears she can see a slight shimmer of tears reflecting back at her. “Because I can’t compete with a ghost,” he whispers. “Every time you look at me, and every time we’re together, it’s like you’re expecting him to come back. I know you loved him and I know you miss him, and you have every right to.” He grazes his thumb across her bottom lip and tenderly caresses her cheek. “But I’m not him.”

“But you’re the same,” she murmurs. “You look the same, you talk the same, everything about you… is the same.”

“On the outside, sure. Maybe even on the inside too. But our circumstances and our environments shape us, Alex. Nature versus nurture. One day maybe I don’t respond like you would expect me to. Another day maybe I do something or say something that seems completely out of character in your eyes. Every moment like that will add up. And maybe consciously you won’t even realize it. But somewhere, in the back of your mind, you’ll start to think that I’m not the same man you fell in love with. And in that same part of your mind you’ll be disappointed, which will only lead to resentment. Maybe it takes months and maybe it takes years, who knows – but I couldn’t bear it. I can’t be your second choice, knowing ultimately that you’d rather have him back and have your old life back.” He slowly drops his hands from her face and lays them gently in her lap.

She covers his hands with her own. “You’re not my second choice. You’re my second chance,” she replies tearfully.

He grips her fingers and raises them gently, placing a soft kiss upon her knuckles. “Maybe one day that can be true. But you need time to heal, Alex. And you can’t do that with me in your life, at least not in that sense. I do hope we can stay in each other’s lives to some degree.”

Alex feels a cross between heartbroken and falling in love with him in an entirely new and different way. She mimics his earlier actions and places her hands on either side of his face, leaning in to place a soft kiss to his lips and resting her forehead against his, begging her tears to go away.

“I’ll always want you,” he murmurs and this time he kisses her. His lips move over hers with feather-like softness at first, quickly evolving into a more longing and needing kiss. Matt pulls away quickly, using every ounce of his willpower and fighting his deepest desires.

Looking down, Alex sniffles and whispers, “I should go.”

“Wait-” he stops her from leaving her spot on the sofa. “There’s one more thing I need to tell you.”

Alex wipes her eyes and chuckles lightly, wondering what else he could possibly have to say. “Okay, what is it?”

Matt scratches under his chin like he’s nervous. “I quit the show,” he blurts out.

“What?” she asks incredulously. She doesn’t know what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this.

“This is my last season with Who. I got cast in a new film and the script looks really tremendous.” He squeezes her hands. “I took your advice to heart, and you were right. I’d been thinking about it so long, and I finally realized it wasn’t fair to them or to me. One of the many things I’ve learned from you – is that you can never go back but you can certainly always move forward. And I’m finally ready to see what’s ahead for me.”

“Wow,” she breathes. “Well congratulations, I suppose. I’m sure you’ll take the world by storm,” she offers with a reassuring smile.

Matt nods and it’s clear he has more to say. Alex waits, silent, for him to continue. “Steven expected it, and was very supportive. He asked if I had any recommendations for a replacement.” He pauses. “You should be expecting his call any day now."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex waits in a small café only a week later, drumming her fingers against the table and tapping her foot against the floor. As she awaits his arrival, she takes a long gulp of her tea and recalls the memory of her last encounter with Matt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! And thanks to all for the wonderful, encouraging comments! Hope you enjoy!

Alex waits in a small café only a week later, drumming her fingers against the table and tapping her foot against the floor. As she awaits his arrival, she takes a long gulp of her tea and recalls the memory of her last encounter with Matt.

**

“Me?” she blurts out and blinks in surprise and opens her mouth to speak but can’t find the proper words.

Matt chuckles at her loss for words and nods. “Yes, you.”

“Why?” she asks earnestly, mouth still open in shock.

He levels her with the intensity of his gaze and rises from his spot on the sofa, needing to put some physical distance between them to help temper his every urge and desire to grab her and never let her go.

“Because you’re a brilliant actress Alex, and you know it.” He walks around to the edge of the sofa and supports himself on its arm. “Because you know the show, inside and out, probably better than anyone.”

She begins to shake her head furiously. “Yes but in the other-” she pauses, rearranging the words in her head before she speaks again. “Not _this_ show. I don’t know the history…I…I don’t know the stories. It’s all… _different_.”

“You know Steven. You know the way his mind works. You have untapped knowledge that no one else is privy to besides him. You can help him with new ideas and offer tremendous insight,” he coaxes.

It’s her turn to stand and she begins pacing a small two foot area with one hand on her hip and the other covering her mouth – it’s an unconscious habit that helps her think while her mind runs a thousand times a minute. “How do you even know he’d want me?” she asks quietly, suddenly unsure of herself. “In this world Matt, she - Alex – _I_ – haven’t been on the acting scene in ages. I mean I’ve had some success as of late but carrying a show as a _lead_? No one in their right mind would take that chance.”

He drops his head in disappointment, hating that she can’t see what everyone else sees in her. He releases his hold of the sofa’s arm and takes a small step toward her. “Alex. Look at me.”

She raises her eyes to his.

“He was _ecstatic_ about it,” Matt says with solid weight upon his words. “When he couldn’t get you as River all those years ago, he scrapped the whole storyline. _Scrapped_ it, Alex. Didn’t settle for another actress, didn’t try to push it through. He knew it wouldn’t work if he didn’t have you. That’s how much he admires your talent.”

“That was a long time ag-”

“Doesn’t matter. He’s wanted to work with you all this time and he’s like a giddy little school boy at the prospect of it happening.”

Alex takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. “There’s never been a woman Doctor before.”

“First time for everything, yeah? Besides, we both agreed it would breathe new life into the show.”

“I’ve just started to have my daughter back in my life…” she wanes. “I can’t just up and be on another continent for half the year and let her think I’m abandoning her.”

“She’ll understand.”

Alex scoffs. “How can you possibly say that? You don’t know her.”

He takes another small step toward her, encroaching her personal space and fighting to keep his hands to himself. “I know _you_. And she’s _your_ daughter. If she’s anything like you, she’ll support you one hundred percent.” Matt watches a tear escape her eye and cascade down her cheek. He starts to reach out toward her to wipe it away, to comfort her, but stops himself. “Stop making excuses, Alex.” The stinging words come out softly. “This is your second chance. Take it and _run_ with it. Do it for me. Do it…for _him_.”

**

Alex mindlessly wipes the moisture from the corner of her eye as his words echo loudly in her memory. Tired and emotionally drained from the rollercoaster that night had been, she’d agreed to Matt that she’d give it a chance. She’d also noticed that he’d purposefully kept his distance from her as she gathered her things to leave that night. He’d walked her to the door and just before she left, she’d turned around to him once more, silently asking for one last touch – a simple embrace, even – but he’d just stuffed his hands in his pockets and bid her goodnight. She ached to reach out to him, but it was clear he had set the boundaries and she wouldn’t be the one to cross them first. So she’d simply nodded and walked out the door.

Surely enough, she’d gotten the call from Steven the very next day and, to Matt’s credit, he did sound like a giddy school boy. He’d exclaimed when he discovered she was in London and insisted she come do a simple screen test, to which she obliged.

She’d sat Salome down in the garden of her parents’ house and tried to explain to her the prospect of this new role and what it meant for the two of them. She’d been utterly terrified of her reaction. Though things were tremendously improving between them, she was after all a teenage girl. Her emotions and reactions couldn’t be anticipated.

“Will it make you happy?” Salome had asked.

“Yes sweetheart, but you make me happier, and you come first, regardless.”

Salome smiled. “You should do it. I want you happy, mom. Plus if you’re here then I can come visit and spend more time with you. The rest you can figure out with Dad.”

In that moment, Alex had seen just how mature and wise her little girl had grown to be. She was exuberantly proud and yet, at the same time, incredibly distraught at how quickly she was growing up. She wasn’t just a child anymore, she was a young woman. Alex took her into a fierce hug and caressed the hair that draped down her daughter’s back. They’d stayed wrapped in each other for nearly an hour, and it was the most content and peaceful Alex had ever felt.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

The voice startles her and rouses her from her reverie. She stands to greet him but he waves her off and sits in the chair across from her. “Steven, hi. Sorry – just – off in my mind somewhere, I suppose.”

“The best kind of actors usually are,” he smiles, eliciting a shy grin from her lips. “I’m sorry I’m a few minutes late, but thank you for meeting with me.”

“Of course. I assume you wanted to speak with me about the screen test?”

Steven hesitates before answering. “Yes, yes I did actually.”

Alex sees something in his eyes and her face falls. “I understand,” she says solemnly. I appreciate the opportunity though, thank you.” She pushes out her chair and stands, gathering her things to leave.

Steven’s hand shoots out over her arm. “Wait, wait – where are you going?”

“I figured it was a long shot anyway-” she pauses, confused. “Weren’t you about to tell me that it wasn’t going to work out?”

He lets out a brute Scottish laugh and motions for her to retake her seat. “Please, just sit, sit.” Alex sits again warily wrinkling her brow in even more confusion. “Alex Kingston – I’ve wanted to work with you for the past ten years. I know Matt told you about River’s character. When I couldn’t get you, I just knew it wouldn’t work. So when he told me that he _knew_ you, and that you were a fan of the show, something just clicked in my head.” Alex visibly relaxes, setting her things back down and folding her hands on the table as he continues.

“I didn’t need a bloody screen test to know how fantastic you are. But as it were, you nailed it Alex. You are _magic_ on camera. I’ve got so many ideas and there’s so much I could do with you on board. And I know you have ideas as well. I’m literally a moment away from being on my knees to beg you. Please don’t make me do that,” he laughs nervously.

Shocked. Stunned. Excited. Nervous. All these thoughts and words begin swimming in Alex’s mind as the realization dawns on her that all she has to say is the word ‘yes’ and she’s the new Doctor. She looks to Steven’s expectant eyes and shrugs.

“Yes.”

* * *

 

A month passes and she’s due on set to film her first scenes as the new Doctor. Technically, it’s Matt’s last and regeneration scene, and she initially believes she’s hardly needed but - of course - Steven has a new idea for the Eleventh Doctor’s regeneration. It blows her out of the water when she reads the script for the first time.

Because she’s only going to be in Cardiff a short time, she arrives early to work with the wardrobe department on her potential new outfits for later filming. Just before she enters the set, she lets out a huge breath and tries to calm her nerves. It’s not the role she’s worried about today. She and Matt will be filming, _together_. It’s been many years and an entire universe since the last time she experienced this. Granted, it was under much different circumstances – but nevertheless, it still shoots anxieties all through her. They haven’t really spoken since that last night at his flat. She’d called him after meeting with Steven to let him know she’d gotten the role and to thank him for recommending her. He’d provided the expected ‘you’re welcome’ and soon after an awkward silence had fallen between them. With seemingly nothing more to say, they’d hung up and went about their own separate lives. Now, today, they’d be together for one of the most emotional moments in his career.

She wriggles her fingers and strides to the set to begin her new journey. A little over an hour later, she’s in her fifth potential outfit, walking around the wardrobe department, looking at all angles of mirrors, seeing if it works and seeing if she’s comfortable. She wears a pair of tight black leather pants, combat boots that lace and buckle all over the place, a burgundy satin button-up blouse and a deep eggplant crushed velvet blazer.

“I think that’s it,” Brenda, a costume designer, speaks up.

“Plus you look really hot.” Alex shushes Natalie, a wardrobe assistant, as she laughs.

“I’m fifty something years old Natalie, hot isn’t on the table anymore,” she chuckles as she continues to turn in the mirror.

“She’s right though you know.” Alex stills at his voice and looks forward in the mirror. She sees him staring back at her and she turns to properly face him. The two girls jet their eyes back and forth between Matt and Alex like spectators at a tennis match. He walks slowly towards her. “Except…” he approaches her and his body is within inches of hers. He raises his hand behind her head and unclips the hair that she’d haphazardly thrown up when it was irritatingly in her face. Hair falling down around her shoulders, Matt’s fingers delicately fluff the curls back into shape before taking two gentle steps backward. “There,” he says with a smooth voice. “The hair s’got to be part of the look. And for the record, hot is _completely_ on the table where you’re concerned.”

Brenda and Natalie exchange looks, quickly murmuring something about going to retrieve Steven before exiting the room to leave Matt and Alex alone. Alex smiles lightly with closed lips.

“You’re charming.”

“You’re stunning,” he retorts. He points to her, waving his finger up and down the length of her body. “And yes, that is totally the outfit.”

Alex grabs a water bottle from a nearby table so she has something to distract herself with. “So…regeneration day eh? How do you feel about it?”

Matt kicks his head to the side and lightly shrugs. “I dunno,” he starts. “Sad. Excited. Scared. I feel all of it. Luckily though there’s not much downtime between this and the film so – not much opportunity to mope.” He snickers. She’s about to ask him what his plans are when Steven ushers into the room followed by Brenda and Natalie. The conversation quickly turns back onto Alex’s costume, followed by Steven’s directive for Alex to get into hair and makeup right away so they can begin shooting. Matt looks around quickly and plasters a smile on his face. “Well – I’ll leave you to it then.” He bows slightly and takes a couple backward steps before spinning on his heels and walking out of the room.

* * *

 

“What – what is this? What am I looking at?”

“It’s you. Well, me. And you. This is funny, isn’t it?”

The Doctor sweats profusely as an orange glow, to be later added through CGI, shines around him indicating regeneration. Onboard a crashing TARDIS, he stares into a mirror but doesn’t see his own reflection – rather, he sees a _woman_.

“Not..funny…” he grunts, feeling the effects of regeneration on his organs. “This is dangerous - whoever you are you need to get out of here _right now_.”

“I’m you, sweetie. Rather I will be in…oh…any minute now I suppose.”

“A woman,” he groans. “A WOMAN?! What’s with - ahhhhhhh!” The Doctor grabs on to the spot where his kidneys were just replaced. “What’s with the hair?” He gestures wildly then doubles over in pain in front of the mirror and is now on his knees. “If you’re really me how can I be seeing you? Why would the TARDIS show me what I’m turning into?” he demands.

The woman kneels down in front of The Doctor so their faces are inches apart. “Spoilers,” she whispers with an arched brow.

“CUT! And wrap!” Alex stands from being on her knees and watches Matt walk off the set. His scenes up to this last one were highly charged and emotional, and he played them brilliantly. The last scene, where The Doctor finds a woman in the TARDIS inside a mirror, initially began as The Doctor flirting. Alex and Matt played off each other incredibly well, just as she knew they would, yet it came as an overwhelming revelation to everyone else. They were magical together. Just as The Doctor noticed that the woman in the mirror wore the same clothes as he, bowtie and all, the actual regeneration scene began and Alex noticed that Matt was holding his emotions in just so he wouldn’t fall apart. The fact that he left the set immediately confirmed to her that he needed to get away to have some peace with his finality on the show.

The sun is setting and Alex walks to her trailer to change out of costume and, after about 20 minutes, comes out to go to Matt’s trailer to offer him some comfort when she spots him in the parking lot, dufflebag heaved over his shoulder.

“Hey Kingston,” he offers.

“Hey yourself. Are you doing alright?”

Matt shrugs and purses his lips. “Alright as I can be I suppose.”

He’s not alright. He’s coming apart and he doesn’t want anyone to know, and she sees it. “You know, everyone’s waiting for you back there to say their goodbyes.”

“Yeah,” he looks to the ground and kicks a rock. “I’m not terribly good with goodbyes. Just want to get it over with.”

She feels the weight on him as if she’s carrying it upon herself, and all she wants to do is take it away from him. She was so wrapped up in her scenes today she hadn’t really given any thought to their situation at all, much less his thoughts on all of it. She wants to tell him that she is okay, and that he will be okay. She wants to tell him that no matter what, she’ll be there for him. “Tell you what – why don’t you go get that over with, then you and me go grab a coffee – or something stronger, perhaps,” she chuckles as she trails off.

He looks at her with such adoration for just a moment before the mask comes back over his face and he creates the distance yet again. “Sorry Kingston, I can’t. I’ve got a plane to catch.”

“To where?” she asks incredulously.

“LA. Start shooting work on the film.”

“You’re leaving _tonight_?”

He nods and the pained look returns to his face no matter how hard he tries to push it away. He doesn’t want to leave. Well, he _wants_ to but at the same time, doesn’t want to. He can’t imagine his life apart from here, apart from _her_. But he has to go. He has to do this for himself, _and_ for her. “You’ll be great, you know,” his voice cracks and he clears his throat to try and hide it.

“Big shoes to fill,” she says softly.

“Nah,” he brushes the comment aside. “You’re gonna take the world by storm, Alex. I quite look forward to it.” He smiles at her, genuinely.

She swallows, reaching into her pocket and pulls out a strip of fabric. She grabs his hand, opens his palm and deposits it there before closing his fingers over it. Once she lets go he opens his fingers and sees it.

The bowtie.

“A souvenir. I knicked it from wardrobe,” she smiles. She knows he could have asked for it and they would’ve given it to him freely, just as they had the sonic and other things over the years. So she knows he purposefully _didn’t_ ask for it as she suspects he’s trying to cut all strings. She watches the emotions play out over his facial features as he tries to hide them. Tentatively, she again reaches out and places a soft hand over his. “You don’t forget,” she says soothingly. “It doesn’t work like that. But you move forward and you move on and one day, it won’t hurt so much. One day, you’ll just think of it as a happy memory – and smile – and move on.”

He knows she’s not just talking about the show. Not so subtly, she’s talking about them. How he feels about her. How she feels about old Matt. Maybe even how she feels about him. It’s too confusing and it makes his head spin. That’s part of the reason he has to get away – to get some distance and perspective from all this. He glances down at their hands and, with tears blurring his vision, squeezes her fingers in his. “Thank you Alex, really.”

He drops her hand as he uses his fingers to wipe at his eyes pretending he’s tired. “I meant what I said that one night too, you know. I’d still like to keep in touch.”

Alex feels empty from the inside out. She offers a crooked smile and nods, showing her agreement, all the while knowing what will happen. Or won’t happen, for that matter. The same words were said once before, between them, in her other life.

Keep in touch. I’ll call you. We’ll talk.

Three years passed them without either of them maintaining the promise. So, she simply nods and says, “yeah,” knowing this is very well a permanent goodbye. The tension between them cuts like a dagger and gives new meaning to the term ‘awkward’. They stand in silence for several minutes, each stealing glances in the other’s direction, both waiting for the other to say or do _something_.

It’s Matt who finally breaks the stalled moment in time. “Well then,” he takes a step backward and the moment is gone. “See ya around, Kingston. Make sure Moffat keeps The Doctor out of trouble, yeah?”

As she turns and watches him walk away from her, she pulls her façade back into place as if it were a cloak. “Spoilers,” she teases. He grunts out a short laugh, wraps the untied bowtie around his neck, and gives her a wave as he turns and heads off to continue his goodbyes. She reaches into her other pocket and pulls out an identical bowtie, slowly wrapping it around her hand as she brings it to her mouth. With a monumental void left twice now in her heart, she makes her way back into her trailer, turns off the light, and lets the memories of both men wash over her until it lulls her to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Alex, she hadn’t had much time to dwell on the absence of a relationship with Matt due to her own success and busy schedule. She hadn't even had much time to dwell on her own success with the swift nature of filming, interviews, and travelling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm SORRY for how long it's been for this chapter and there are only a handful of chapters left that will be much more interesting than this one. Thanks to any & all who read & have kept up with my intermittent postings :D You all are darlings.

A year passes in a blurry haze for Alex. She’s busier than she ever had been before and her new role has elevated her to an unforeseen level of notoriety and popularity. Her ‘Cinderella Story’, as the papers call it, is one for the ages. In the blink of an eye, she has transformed from the woman who lost her career to one who is hailed as the best and brightest Doctor yet.

As she had expected, her communication with Matt fizzled to near nothing as of late. She tried so hard initially to prevent it from happening. She’d call him to ask about how filming was going, and send him text messages at random times to let him know he’d been on her mind. At first, she’d gotten replies from him in an instant – they’d even held long conversations talking about themselves and their respective projects. Yet slowly, the amount of free time seemed to dwindle, conversations became more infrequent, and messages often went unanswered. She knew they both couldn’t help it – they were living in completely different time zones and between shooting schedules, interviews and the like – time just seemed to disappear. Alex chastises herself when she thinks about how sad it makes her. She _knew_ it was bound to happen. Yet beyond any sort of logic, she had _hoped_ it wouldn't.

Matt’s film had been a gigantic success and his acting had been heralded between every media outlet that existed. He’d won a few awards in a short period of time and there’d been talk of an Oscar nomination. Alex had smiled and cried a little when she’d first heard about his accomplishments. Of course she’d known his immense talent and she felt ecstatic that the rest of the world was now privy to it.  The sadness crept in whenever she thought about not getting to share this with him. The best she could do was send along her well wishes and support, which is exactly what she’d done. In response, she’d gotten five words.

_Thanks Kingston. Means a lot._

Thankfully for Alex, she hadn’t had much time to dwell on the absence of a relationship with Matt due to her own success and busy schedule. She hadn't even had much time to dwell on her _own_ success with the swift nature of filming, interviews, and travelling.

* * *

It’s January, and luckily Alex finds herself in the midst of a break for a few months. After filming wrapped she’d immediately flown back to LA to be with Salome. Through everything, even Alex being gone for months at a time, their relationship was now stronger than ever. Ever since she’d been back, Salome would bring the mail in every day and purposefully separate articles from magazines, newspapers, and even a few covers and leave them on the dining table for Alex. It was her way of showing how proud she was of her mother. Every time, Alex simply chuckles and leaves them aside, in an attempt to not pay much mind to her own ego.

One day, Alex comes home from running errands, dropping her keys and bag on the dining table as part of her routine. She glances over at the small pile left on the table, smiling, before continuing into the kitchen.

She halts suddenly and turns her head back toward the table, trying to process what she thinks she’s just seen.

No. It couldn’t be.

With two long and determined strides, Alex crosses back to the table and picks up the magazine on top with her photograph on the cover. Her heart starts beating rapidly and her breaths become shallow. Anxiety wells in the pit of her stomach and her hands begin to tremble. “No,” she breathes out at the headline staring back at her.

_The Doctor and River Together Again!  
Alex Kingston reprises role as fan favorite!_

Alex snatches up the other articles, quickly scanning them, discovering they all pertain to her role as River Song. She thumbs through them all once again and confirms they’re all recently written as well. Crumpling the papers and magazine against her chest, Alex tries to steady herself but can’t. How could this be happening? River never even _existed_ in this universe, let alone the fact that Alex had been the new Doctor for an entire season already. She knew it could only mean one thing – that somehow, this came from the _other_ universe. Her _old_ world. She still scoffs at the ludicrousness of the notion every time she thinks in those terms. But there couldn’t _be_ any other explanation.

Questions and panic flooded Alex’s mind like a broken dam. How did this get here? What does it mean? Are the walls between universes breaking down again? Is she going to wake up tomorrow back in her old life? Or some _other_ form of life? She can’t go through that again. The pain of it all was too much the first time around. Her mind races and Alex closes her eyes to try to regain focus.

The sound of a slamming door jars her senses and her eyes fly open.

“Hey mom,” Salome walks into the room, setting a bundle of paper on the table and slowly sorting through it.

Silent, Alex watches as her daughter sets aside anything pertaining to Doctor Who and Alex’s role. “What’s all this then?” she asks hesitantly.

“The mail,” Salome responds matter-of-factly.

“From today?” Alex queries.

Salome eyes her curiously. “Yeah,” she chuckles. “Of course from today.”

“So you didn’t already bring in the mail today.” Alex offers it as more of a statement than a question.

Exasperated, Salome stands with a hand on her hip. “I just got home. How could I have possibly already gotten the mail?” She notices Alex clutching some papers behind crossed arms. “What are those?”

Alex swallows hard and thinks quickly, plastering a smile upon her lips and waving one hand in the hair dismissively. “Oh, darling, don’t mind me. I saw these on the table and thought somehow they were from today. Must’ve been yesterday’s.” Knowing her daughter’s intelligence and emergence as an adult, she prays to everything above that she buys it.

Brushing past her into the kitchen, Salome says, “There’s a really good one in there about the importance of having a woman Doctor. It’s really complimentary of you, you should definitely read it.”

Knowing she can’t be seen, Alex visibly relaxes her shoulders and bows her head. She can’t even begin to think of what she would say if her daughter had seen these and started asking questions. “Hey Sal,” she calls out from the spot she’s stood frozen in for the last ten minutes. “I’m going to have a bath and read some of this. Why don’t you order delivery for dinner okay?”

“I’m going over to Dad’s for the Oscar sleepover tonight, remember?” she hears from a distance.

Of course. It was a tradition they’d had for over ten years now. Alex smiles at the fact that her young woman of a daughter still allows herself to be their little girl every once in a while. She supposes it’s probably better that she be alone tonight anyhow, considering what she clutches to her chest and the potential ramifications it holds.  

Curling her fingers tightly around the papers once more, Alex sighs and retreats to the privacy of her bedroom.

* * *

The warm, soapy water feels like silk upon her skin. After ten minutes of reading, Alex drops the articles to the floor and submerses herself in the water up to her chin, resting the back of her head on the makeshift pillow underneath. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply in an effort to relax her mind, body and soul.

It doesn’t work.

She’s worried – truly, properly _worried_ that her life will be taken from her again. That she’ll wind up a stranger all over again. Lose her daughter all over again. Lose Matt all over again. As tears sting her eyes she laughs dryly, figuring it quite appropriate that after all this time, after settling into her new life and not longingly yearning for her old one, that it could be taken from her.

A swift knock on the door steals her attention and Salome’s head pops in. “Mom? I’m heading over to Dad’s now okay?”

Alex nods in earnest, trying desperately to keep a normal expression on her face. “Have fun, sweetheart,” she says encouragingly. As the door begins to close, Alex quickly calls her daughter’s attention.  “Salome-”

Salome stands with eyebrows raised expectantly and all words escape Alex. She simply shakes her head slightly and says, “I love you so much.” A small smile plays on her daughters lips and she crosses over to Alex, bending down and wrapping her arms around her mother’s neck.

“I’m proud of you,” she whispers and Alex nearly comes undone. Thankfully, Salome pops up and out in the next instant and Alex uses the solitude to shed tears over what has been, and what will possibly come to be. She again sinks lower into the water, closing her eyes and letting the warmth engulf her.

* * *

Opening her eyes, Alex drains the tub, steps into her robe and pads into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. As she turns the corner she is startled with shock and a gasp escapes her lips, the glass falling from her hands and shattering at her feet. Her chest heaves as she tries to get her breathing back under control and calm the adrenaline shooting through her veins.

“It was you,” she whispers, the knowledge slowly dawning on her. “I thought you didn’t get involved. I thought that was against the rules.”

He chuckles, adoringly admiring the purse upon her lips. “How did you know it was me standing here…and not him?”

With a slight roll of her eyes, Alex steps toward him. “Because the glass that shattered around my feet magically disappeared-” she gestures back to the spot she’d just been standing in which showed no evidence of the mishap. “And besides, you don’t look like him.”

Matt properly laughs at the idea. “Don’t look like him? Alex he’s _me._ I’m _him._ ”

“Still,” she softly acknowledges. “It’s just different.”

He averts his gaze to the ground, thinking on a beat, her words sinking in. Her angelic voice interrupts his solace of thought.

“What’s happening Matt? The articles…please tell me this isn’t your idea of a big joke. If it’s happening again, please just tell me so I can prepare-”

“It isn’t a joke, Kingston. It was me though. I just thought…” he pauses. “I thought maybe you’d want to see what happened. To know that you’re brilliant and successful in _all_ your lives. To give you closure or…” he trails off.

“Or?” She looks at him expectantly.

The corners of his lips turn upwards in a sad, half smile. “I think I already know the answer to this, but humor me. If you had the chance to go back – if all you had to say was yes – would you?”

She furrows her brow but doesn’t hesitate. “No.”

The half-smile remains as he again glances to the floor. “Good girl,” he whispers.

Alex tries to capture his gaze with her own. “Matt I don’t understand. Is that really possible? Is it going to happen?”

He finally locks eyes with her and takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. It _was_ possible. If she’d wanted it. He’d made it that way, and the articles he’d left for her to find were to measure her desire to stay or return. If she’d said yes, she could return to her life as she knew it before, with a successful career and the daughter she raised. If she’d said no, which he suspected she might, she would remain in this life – the life she rebuilt – but he could no longer see her. No longer watch over her. That was the deal he’d made, knowing that both of them – even he in the afterlife – needed to choose once and for all to live in the past or let go completely. And he knew, now, that she needed to stay. She’d finally let him go, and her heart belonged to his counterpart. He felt it as if her heart beat in his own lifeless chest.  


As he beheld her beauty one last time, he felt it. Every moment with her, ripe with the feeling he’d had in those moments, coursed through him simultaneously. The moment they met to the moment he died, and everything in between – a life lived so much more fully because he had her – and in an instant, it was all gone.

He knew it was time.

“No, sweetheart. You’re safe right where you are, forever. Trust me.”

Alex eyes him as if knowing he has much more to say and is purposefully holding back. He walks toward her and she’s immediately enveloped in a cerebral sense of warmth and comfort, even in the absence of physical touch.

“You won’t see me again,” he whispers softly, his breath echoing in her ear and tickling her senses. “But Alex…know that you’re safe. Know that you’re loved. No matter what.”

Before she can even open her mouth to speak, he fades before her and the warmth that surrounded her fades with him. She suddenly feels a sharp chill and wraps her arms around herself in a measure of protection.

* * *

The shrill ringing of the phone jolts her awake. As Alex tries to get her bearings, she looks around and realizes she’s still in the tub – the water now gone frightfully cold – and wonders how long she’s been asleep. She’s not out of the tub fast enough to answer the call, so she continues to towel off and dress in her robe. She stares into the mirror as the vivid memories of her dream continue to occupy her mind. She’s seen him twice now in her dreams, this intense, as if it wasn’t a dream at all. As if he was actually in her consciousness. Like they were together again, like they used to be.

Only he was gone. This time, Alex thinks, for good. Even though he wasn’t real, she recalls that he was sad saying goodbye to her. His feelings were visceral, almost, as if she felt what he felt. Goodbye all over again. How many times would she have to do this with him?  


The phone ringing again shakes her trance and this time she answers, seeing that it’s Salome calling.

“Mom you _know_ Matt Smith?”

“What?” Alex replies, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“You haven’t watched the Oscars have you?” she asks rhetorically.

Alex blinks. “No honey, that’s not really my thing-”

“I DVRed it,” she cuts Alex off. “You know how to work the DVR right?”

Exasperatedly, Alex rolls her eyes. “Yes I know how to _work_ it. But what in heaven’s name is this about? And what’s it got to do with Matt Smith?”

“Just fast forward to the best actor part. Watch it. Call me back after.” _Click._

Stunned, Alex plucks the phone away from her ear and stares at it for a long minute before moving. She walks down the hall to the living room, glancing out the windows only to realize that night has long since fallen and she must’ve been asleep for _hours_ in that tub. Sure enough, she looks at her hands and her water-pruned fingers are the evidence.

Running fingers through her hair with one hand, the other grabs the television remote and does as her daughter instructed her to. Pressing play, she sees the inset pictures of the nominees for best actor and there he is as one of the five. She smiles. Pride and happiness emanate from her pores. As the presenters pause to announce the winner, Alex’s breath hitches in her throat.

_Matt Smith._

She places a hand over her mouth in an effort to hide the wry smile that tries to escape.  She can’t tear her eyes away from the screen as she slowly makes her way around the sofa and sits on the ottoman, rapt with attention. She watches the shock register on his face as his name is called. She can see the blush he desperately tries to hide as he receives hugs, handshakes, and slaps on the shoulder. She eyes his every move, noticing the bowtie that accompanies his tuxedo is the very one she handed to him the night they said goodbye. He takes his award in hand and steps toward the microphone. Alex turns the volume up.

“I know these things are timed but please don’t cut me off – I’ve a lot of people to thank – family, friends, colleagues. I hope you all know who you are. But there’s one person in particular, without whom I’d never be standing here. Alex Kingston – I’m sure some of you know her as the refreshing new _Doctor._ If you don’t know her, look her up. Because she’s brilliant and beautiful and amazingly talented and just one of the kindest souls I’ve ever known. And if it weren’t for her, I’d have never had the courage to make a go at this role, in this film, and this moment would cease to exist. So, Alex – wherever you are – _thank you_. I owe you everything.” Amazingly enough, he doesn’t get cut off and takes a step back, offering a half bow to the crowd with a slight wave of the hand, and walks off the stage.

Alex doesn’t register that her mouth literally hangs open as the shock of what she just watched washes over her entire being. Finally she swallows, fishing for the remote once more and rewinding to watch the whole thing over again. She had to make sure she heard correctly and didn’t imagine any of that just happened. And as she watches again, surely enough, she hears him thank her _again_. Alex presses pause and shakes her head for clarity.

Confused would be an understatement. Shock wouldn’t begin to come close. He just experienced the biggest moment in his career to date and he publicly thanked _her_ in front of the whole world. She fumbled for her phone and began to dial him before pausing, realizing this had happened well over an hour ago and he’d be off celebrating. She lets out a small chuckle at the mere idea of what just transpired and hangs her head on her shoulders wondering how to explain this to her daughter.

The doorbell rings and Alex curses the number of sounds that have set her off today. Looking at the clock, she wonders who could possibly be ringing her in the evening. She turns the television off, tightens her robe and calls out, “Who is it?”

“Delivery!”

She sighs. Salome must’ve ordered food for her anyway when she went to her father’s. _Bless._ Alex snatches some cash from her wallet, walks to the door and opens it. On the other side, in a tux, bowtie hanging around his neck, with a pizza box in one hand and bottle of champagne in the other, he leans against the doorway with a smile.

“Matt,” she barely breathes out in bewilderment.

“Evening, Kingston. Care to help me celebrate?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is she hardly gives thought to her old life these days. Having been so immersed in her current life, enjoying every moment of it, she made a decision a long time ago not to dwell in pain and regret. Her longing, painstaking moments of devastation at the loss of Matt dwindled down to nearly nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so just TWO chapters left and a LOT to wrap up! Thanks for all your patience! I know this has been dragged out for awhile but promise it'll be wrapped soon and I hope my faithful still are here!

Alex stands there, transfixed, in that spot and in that moment for what seems like an eternity. She feels part shock and part disbelief that he is _here._

Standing in the alcove of her front door.

Looking disarmingly handsome.

She blinks once, twice – suddenly realizing what the myriad of expressions on her face must reveal to him. Alex wraps her thin silk robe tighter around her body, securing the sash and crosses her arms over her chest to cover herself up even more.

“Matt?” she queries disbelievingly. “What are you doing here?”

With a devilishly sly grin, Matt gestures first with the hand that holds the pizza box. “Thought you might be hungry, Kingston.” Without missing a beat, he then flexes the other hand holding the bottle of champagne. “And thirsty,” he says with a proud grin.

His coy attempt at humor is not met with a laugh – that stunning laugh he’d been aching to hear for so long now – but instead, just a pair of raised, confused eyebrows.

Matt shrugs and smiles again, albeit this time with an air of shyness as his eyes immediately divert to the ground. “I had kind of a big night.” He shrugs again. “I just wanted to celebrate,” he murmurs, suddenly unsure of himself and wondering if his coming here was a huge mistake.

“Yes, I gather that,” Alex replies softly and with a light chuckle. “And congratulations, by the way…” she trails off, not knowing what to ask next. _Why_ did he dedicate his _Academy Award_ acceptance speech to her? Or _why_ is he standing on her doorstep? She quickly decides for the more curious of the two. “But why are you _here?_ I mean – you should be out at after parties, hob-knobbing with Hollywood elite and having adoring women throw themselves at you-” she laughs nervously as she abruptly stops herself. It’s a forced laugh – she hadn’t meant to say that last part out loud and tries to save her embarrassment by turning into a joke.

He matches her laugh with a huff, pursing his lips into a closed, crooked smile. Alex watches him carefully and curiously. “You know,” he begins. “After it all ended tonight I’m standing there, in a room _full_ of a million people I’d have never dreamed I’d be standing in the same room with. Everyone’s buzzing about – agents trying to book you, publicists trying to make you the next _big thing-_ ” he adds a roll of the eyes for effect. “And there’s parties and champagne and ridiculous amounts of money all being spent to make you feel important-” he pauses, considering his next words. “And I’m standing there, watching all this happen _around_ me, _to_ me – and I just had this ultimate moment of… _clarity._ ” He lifts his eyes to her, beaming brightly. She again raises her brow in return, a silent effort to let him know that she’s not a mind reader.

“There’s no place I’d rather be, and no one I’d rather share this moment with – than here. With you.” 

Alex swallows and is once again taken aback by him. Stunned and speechless, all she can do is lean against the door, relying on it to support her weight as she feels her feet begin to fail her.

Several moments pass by with them alternating looks and stares, neither wanting to risk the other catching them in the act. Awkwardly, Matt breaks the silence. “Are you gonna invite me in, or am I dining alone al fresco on your doorstep?”

Alex snaps to reality and shakes her head to clear its haze. “Of course,” she steps aside and gestures him in. “My apologies,” she continues as she shuts the door behind them. “You just surprised me, that’s all. I wasn’t expecting company.”

Matt suggestively eyes her up and down the length of her body, noticing the silk clinging to every curve, noticing the bare skin above her chest where the two sides of the robe have slightly given way, exposing just the tiniest glimpse of cleavage. “I can see that,” he says tantalizingly, also noticing how the robe hits her at mid-thigh, brushing against the smooth and toned skin. His eyes roam north again just in time to catch her as her hand swats at his shoulder in jest. “Oi!” he exclaims. “You’re hitting an innocent, defenseless man here,” he jokes as he raises both hands, still holding the food and beverage.

“Defenseless maybe,” she purrs in response. “Innocent? Hardly. _Idiot_ _,_ ” she teases, and her eyes glint with a sparkle of mischief before turning to walk away from him. “Why don’t you set that down on the coffee table,” she calls out over her shoulder. “I’ll be right out.”

“Your idiot,” Matt calls out and smirks, setting the food down and gathering two glasses from her kitchen. He pops the cork of the champagne, pouring it into the glasses. Mid-pour, he hollers, “I’ve got two totally free hands now in case you need help in there!” He grins smugly to himself and jumps a little when he hears her voice closer than he expected.

“I managed perfectly fine, but thank you for the offer.” He stands tall and turns to face her, holding the bottle in one hand and nearly dropping it at the sight of her. Covered in a thin cotton camisole and pair of matching shorts, she is more fully dressed yet staggeringly more exposed and sexy in this outfit. Matt quickly catches the bottle and sets it on the table beside him, turning away from her and cursing under his breath. He sheds his jacket, laying it over the arm of the sofa. He hands her a glass of champagne as she joins him.

“So,” he says frankly as he raises her glass in her direction.

“So,” she returns the words and gesture and adds to it. “To you.” The glasses clink.

“To _you,_ ” he supplements before taking his first sip. Alex eyes him as she swallows the velvety liquid that warms her throat.

“About that…” she begins hesitantly. “I have some questions.” Alex drops in her spot to sit cross-legged on the floor beside the couch. Matt follows her lead and claims a spot on the floor next to her.

Matt smirks a little and takes another sip. “You want to know about the speech,” he says rhetorically.

Alex grins and touches her nose with her index finger before pointing it to him, acknowledging he assumed correctly.

He laughs heartily and shrugs. “I dunno, it was… _inspired_ , I s’pose. Never in a million lifetimes did I think I’d win. I was walking up there, and it all felt like a dream. And in those twenty seconds I realized it was _real_ and I thought about why I was there. And the answer was simple. I was there because of you.” He reluctantly glances her way to make sure he hasn’t completely embarrassed himself just yet. Thankfully, her returning glance is anything but pity or ridicule – it’s earnest and understanding. “When I got up there all I could think of was you. The conversations we had, the push you gave me to take the chance-” 

“But I didn’t do anything at all,” she interrupts.

“You did, Alex. And I know that you don’t even realize it. That’s what makes you even more special.” HE shifts nervously. “But you did. And I just…wanted the rest of the world to know it like I know it.”

Alex beams and blushes, trying desperately to hide it with another sip of bubbly. “And then you show up on my doorstep.”

Matt nods. “That I did.”

They exchange another moment of awkward glances amidst the silence. “Well then,” Alex pipes up. “What’s this about dinner?”

Matt serves them slices of pizza and they continue to pour champagne until the bottle empties. They discuss her work, success and notoriety. Alex asks about the film and his experience with it, and what he thinks may come next. They talk and laugh for the better part of an hour with an ease and comfort amplified by the electricity emanating wordlessly between them. Unknowingly they’ve inched closer to each other in their respective spots on the floor. Light arm touches and playful knocks on the shoulder increase in frequency and it’s as if they can’t stop themselves from touching each other.

Instinctively, Matt reaches out to tuck an errant curl behind her ear. His fingers linger, lightly grazing the tender spot under her earlobe. His thumb strokes the apex of her jawline and his eyes slowly raise to hers.

“Do you miss him?” he blurts out, albeit softly, and immediately curses his choice of words as soon as they escape his lips.

Alex flinches slightly, startled, expecting that to be the last question he’d ask her in this moment. She’s not offended – instead just taken by surprise. The truth is she hardly gives thought to her old life these days. Having been so immersed in her current life, enjoying every moment of it, she made a decision a long time ago _not_ to dwell in pain and regret. Her longing, painstaking moments of devastation at the loss of Matt dwindled down to nearly nothing – save for his little unexpected visit from the afterlife. So it’s easy for her to be completely open and honest about her feelings now.

“I think a part of me will always miss him…miss the way my life _was_ , I think mostly because of the piercing way in which it was taken from me,” Alex explains. Matt nods, dropping his hand and pulling back slowly, not wanting to invade her space and suddenly feeling like he’s asking too much from her. Alex notices this and quickly grabs his wrist to keep him from pulling away. “That’s normal, and I’m okay with that,” she whispers. She brings his palm to the side of her face and holds it there. “But it’s…” she struggles to find the right words. “It’s not at the top…” God she hopes he understands her meaning. I _miss_ _you_ ,” she emphasizes. “I wish I could explain in a way you could understand. But _you’re_ at the top. I don’t think about him and wonder nor am I wistful,” she pauses before continuing. “I think about _you_. I miss _you_ ,” she repeats, trying to get the point home.

This time he doesn’t try to move away. The palm against the side of her face opens, spreading his fingers toward the nape of her neck. His thumb gently sweeps over her cheekbone as he stares at her in wonder and awe. The truth is he has _craved_ her day in and day out. The night they parted on the set of Who was more painful than anything he’d been through since the day he crashed into her. He’d wanted to touch her, hold her, grab her and never let her go… tell her she was everything he’d ever wanted and more. Tell her that he knew he was done for the moment he’d looked into her eyes. Yet with everything that transpired between them, he’d known then there was no possible way he could ask for her and feel confident in her answer. They’d _needed_ to live their own lives – especially her – to know what life felt like without him in order to know if she’d ever _really_ want him.

It still never stopped him from thinking of her every day. Wanting to share every moment, every story – knowing she’d understand in a way no one else could – or _would_. And now here she is, literally a breath away from being completely wrapped in his arms. Hearing her say she misses _him_ , and not the other version of him, fills his heart in a way he never knew possible. Quite simply, it is everything he’s ever wanted since learning her story and their so-called history.

His fingers curl around the back of her neck possessively yet tenderly, and he inches his face towards hers painstakingly bit by bit, afraid he’ll scare her off if he moves to quickly. He feels her relax under his touch, and suddenly her lips are ever so close. His vision blurs and he closes his eyes, feeling her breath mix with his. 

The chirping jolts them apart, shooting adrenaline through their respective bodies and breaking them apart, killing the moment. It takes Alex a second to focus, realizing it’s _her_ phone causing the most unwanted interruption. She grabs it, shoulders falling as she whispers an apology to Matt.

“I’m sorry,” she mouths. “It’s Salome. I’ll only be a minute.” Matt gestures that it’s no problem, and Alex stands to take the call, walking away into the kitchen for some privacy. He takes a deep breath and lets it out loudly before gulping down the remnants of his glass, awaiting her return and what demeanor she’ll hold.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Alex tries to maintain a calm and hushed voice on the phone. Salome, on the other hand, is practically shrieking.

“Mom it’s been over an hour! I thought you were gonna call me back!”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart but I…um…sort of have company at the moment.”

“Company?” Salome reacts, stunned. “What _company_?”

“Um…” Alex reaches for a response. “Just an old friend that popped by on a whim.” Alex winces at the parity of her excuse.

“Well what was that deal with Matt Smith all about? How do you – wait – is _he_ the friend? Is he there right now?” Salome shrieks.

“I need to go, Sal-”

“You HAVE to let me meet him!” 

“Okay, I’ll arrange it. Now I really have to go,” Alex hisses in a whisper.

“We are _so_ talking about this tomorrow, you know that right?”

Alex tries to ignore that comment. “I love you, and goodnight darling,” hoping her daughter will finally take the hint that now is _not_ the time to talk about this.

“Goodnight,” she grumbles in return. “I love you too. And we _are_ talking about it and you _are_ going to let me meet him… _please_ ,” she adds weakly. “Talk to you tomorrow, mom.”

Alex hears the click and sighs in relief. She’d never really contemplated telling her daughter about Matt, and whether that means broaching the _whole_ story. She shakes her head to clear those thoughts. It was all too much right now. A moment ago she was about to kiss Matt and everything felt so right. Now she’s afraid the moment has been lost. With a deep breath she ventures back into the living room to find Matt rooted in the same spot. “Sorry,” she offers meekly. “That was my daughter. She’s at her father’s.” She regains her previous seat and mirrors Matt by propping her elbow on the sofa to support her head.

“Oh,” Matt says with light surprise. “So… we’re alone?”

Suddenly nervous, Alex shifts uncomfortably. “Yes,” she says as her cheeks start to burn. Her eyes dart back and forth between his face, the floor, the sofa, and everywhere in between. Does he expect her to make a move? Why won’t he? He looks uncomfortable too and Alex realizes whatever they had in that moment is indeed gone. “So,” she says a bit too cheerfully. “The film! Tell me more about it, what was it like to get into that kind of character?”

He wonders why her demeanor has changed. Like she’s put on a mask to hide from him. A moment ago they were on the precipice of something. And now she’s asking about the _film?_

“Right, the film.” Matt runs a hand through his hair. “Oh bugger it,” he whispers harshly as he lunges toward her and devours her mouth in a bruising kiss. She squeaks in surprise before returning his fervor. His lips part perfectly in unison with hers and his hands, with hers atop his, hold her head in place. Alex opens her mouth and Matt wastes no time teasing her tongue with his, lightly sweeping the inside of her mouth before pressing further. He breaks away, still holding her head as they both breathe heavily. His eyes bore into hers. “I didn’t come here to talk about the film,” he grates, his voice thick and heavy.

This time Alex is the one that lunges forward, capturing his lips with her own, kissing him greedily and hungrily, almost manic. His hands release her head and smooth a trail down her back, cupping her ass and drawing her to him as she lifts a leg and crawls into his lap, straddling him. He squeezes her as she grinds down on him, eliciting a guttural moan from both of them. Matt’s hands venture north again, this time his long fingers finding their way under her camisole, grazing her spine as he lifts it to her shoulders. Alex reluctantly breaks her mouth away from his, raising her arms above her head, wordlessly telling him to remove the garment completely. With one final tug at the top it is gone, and Matt revels at the sight of her. His hands still themselves in the air as he can hardly bring himself to terms with getting to touch something so exquisite. He ghosts his fingers across her collarbone, slowly lowering them to her breasts. He barely grazes her nipples before moving lower again to her ribcage.

Alex lifts a finger under his chin to bring his attention back to her mouth. She leans down and kisses him gently. He savors the taste and feel of her and wraps his arms around her back, holding her tightly, hoping to transfer all the feelings he can’t yet speak through touch. They exchange slow, languid kisses as Alex begins to undo the buttons of his shirt. Matt breaks away to give attention to her neck, licking and biting and soothing all simultaneously. Alex’s eyes flutter closed as the sheer delight of how he feels completely overtakes her. She’s able to remove his shirt and begins working on the undershirt when he hits a particularly sensitive spot at the hollow of her throat and she moans in ecstasy. He nearly comes undone at that and uses the opportunity to grab her back and flip them onto the floor. He attacks her neck and throat again, desperately needing to hear that lovely moan escape her lips again and again.

“I want you so much,” he growls in her ear as his right hand reaches between her legs and gently rubs at her core against her thin shorts. “I want to feel every inch of you, Alex,” he whispers.

Words fail her and all she can do is fervently nod her head. Matt lays a kiss in the space between her breasts as he works to remove the rest of her clothing. His head moves inches to the right and his tongue gently circles her nipple before the rest of his mouth closes in. His fingers, meanwhile, find her wet and waiting. “God Alex, you’ll be the death of me.” He trails his tongue down her abdomen when the reality of what he just said dawns on him. His eyes immediately shoot to hers. “Joke, that was just a joke. I’m sorry, I didn’t think…I just...” 

She giggles slightly, reaching down to put a finger against his lips. “It’s okay.”

Somehow, those two simple words suddenly mean everything and Matt realizes it _is_ okay. _They_ are okay. They _will_ be okay. A stupid, silly grin spreads across his face and he feels like the luckiest boy in the world. His mouth returns to her writhing body and heads south, ever eager to bring her over the edge and taste what heaven must be like. She stops him, pulling him up by his shoulders. He hovers over her, bearing his weight on his arms. “It’s okay, I want to,” he breathes out.

“Later,” she retorts as she quickly works the buckle on his belt. “Right now I want you inside me.” She continues to fiddle with the button and zipper on his trousers, but he swats her hands away playfully to make quicker progress himself. He shimmies out of his trousers and pants and nudges between her spread legs. He reaches for her hands and laces his fingers through hers, raising her arms above her head as he simultaneously enters her in one fluid movement. Alex gasps in pleasure and Matt hangs his head, trying to adjust to the incredible feeling that surrounds him and not let it slip away too quickly. Alex places a sweet kiss to the underside of his chin and Matt returns to the moment, gazing into her eyes before moving again within her. It begins as slow, purposeful thrusts – each time pressing further into her as Alex moans for more. Matt feels himself beginning to slip into the beginnings of oblivion and he lets go of her hands to lift her leg further around him, gripping her hip and backside, trying to get impossibly closer to her. He plunges into her over and over again, each time faster, and Alex screams in pleasure as waves of her orgasm overcome her. Matt brings his hand to her core just as she starts to come down, ramping her right back up again for another wave of pleasure. He smiles into the crook of her neck at her cries of pleasure, knowing he can’t hold on for much longer.

“Alex-” he starts, but the intended words escape him as he feels white hot pleasure overcome him and his mind goes blank. Seconds later reality finds him again and he feels her fingers drawing lazy circles on his back. He lifts his weight off her but doesn’t move from his position. Her fingers move from his back to the side of his face, tracing lines like she’s trying to memorize his every curve and angle. He bends down and kisses her lips sweetly, intently, trying to express the words he couldn’t say before. He releases her lips and parades kisses upon her forehead, nose, eyes, and cheeks.

“You’re amazing,” he murmurs into her ear before punctuating it with a kiss as well. “Beautiful,” adding a kiss to the spot just under her earlobe. He moves to look directly in her eyes again. “Everything I ever wanted.” He seals his words with another tender kiss to her lips and quietly notices the newfound sheen to her eyes. He shifts and rolls to his back, maneuvering an arm underneath her and cuddling her close as she lays her head upon his chest.

“Didn’t quite manage to get _all_ the clothes off,” she giggles.

His arm wraps around her shoulder tighter. “I got impatient,” he chuckles in return. “If you were me and saw you, you’d understand.”

She places a chaste kiss to his shoulder before returning her head. A few moments of silence pass and Matt starts chuckling out of nowhere. Alex lifts her head to face him. “What is it?” she asks inquisitively.

“Well, I just noticed how we’re steps away from the bedroom, literally inches away from the couch, and yet here we are on the floor.” Alex laughs in response. “Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy your comfy shag rug here.”

She places her chin on his chest. “I suppose I got impatient myself. If you were me and saw you, you’d understand.” She smirks and squeals as he pinches her side for using his words against him.

“Minx,” he says with a curled smile.

“Idiot,” she says with a yawn as she returns to a comfortable position lying in his arms.

He reaches over them to grab a throw blanket and small pillow off the couch, covering them up and cushioning his head. “Your idiot,” he whispers as they both begin to drift off to sleep.

“Mmm…my idiot,” Alex hums with a smile, falling asleep to the beating of their hearts in perfect rhythm.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn begins to break and the rising curtain of daylight seeps through the window panes, painting a golden purple hue in its wake against everything it touches. Alex stirs when a slice of light passes over her eyes. It takes her a moment to retrieve her bearings.

Dawn begins to break and the rising curtain of daylight seeps through the window panes, painting a golden purple hue in its wake against everything it touches. Alex stirs when a slice of light passes over her eyes. It takes her a moment to retrieve her bearings. She glances upward to see the coffee table looming over her and she registers that she’s on the floor. She begins to move but stops, distinctively noticing the arm wrapped around her from behind. She smiles and settles into him further, placing her arm on top of his and reveling in the strength – both physical and emotional – that holds her.

“We really woulda been wise to at least move to the couch,” she hears him grumble half-awake. She giggles in response.

“Not as young as you used to be, Mr. Smith? Should I worry about your stamina?”

He pulls her against him and she is immediately greeted by his morning desire. “I’ll show you one reason to _never_ worry about my stamina, Kingston,” he growls in her ear.

She hums in approval and raises an arm behind her to his face, tracing her fingers over the stubble. He plants a kiss to the inside of her palm and she lowers her arm, noticing her watch on the way down and glancing at the time.

She jumps and practically shrieks, startling Matt into a full state of alertness. “What’s wrong?” he asked concerned, releasing her, watching as she fumbled around to find her clothes and, admittedly, enjoying the view.

“Nothing. The time, I just – Salome will be home soon and I completely forgot about this stupid interview I promised to give today.”

“Alex-”

“I just-” she fumbles more, grabbing pieces of clothes as she finds them.

“Alex-” Matt repeats, a little louder.

“I need to find my knickers!” She shouts and meets his gaze. Her frustrated scowl and heaving chest quickly give way to a cracked smile, joining Matt’s expression. He holds out two hands to her, beckoning her to come to him. She drops the pile of garments, taking his hands and rejoining him on the floor, sitting sideways on his lap. He wraps two long arms around her, holding her close and again willing her to feel his strength.

“Hey,” he whispers, trying to get her to look at him. Alex turns her head to meet his eyes. “It’s okay,” he soothes. “I know you’re nervous. I can be gone before your daughter gets home. I’ll do whatever you want. Just relax.” He places a tender kiss to the side of her mouth and she visibly relaxes.

“I just don’t know what to tell her,” she admits softly. “More like, I don’t know what to do next…with you. Us. You’re _here_ now, and I’m _there._ Not to assume anything. I just-” she starts getting frustrated again and he silences her softly with his lips upon hers. He pulls back only slightly.

“Shhh. Just one day at a time, love. We’ve got all the time in the world. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not letting you go ever, ever again.” He searches her eyes. “Deal?”

Tears fill her eyes and she grasps his jaw with her hand. “Deal,” she whispers and she seals it with an earnest kiss. She rises again, sniffling her happy tears away. “I do need to find my knickers though,” she laughs and sniffles again. “I’d rather not have my daughter walk in on this,” she gestures between the two of them. “She might nearly be an adult but she’s still my little girl.”

Matt rises with a smirk on his face and a garment of pink lace hanging on one finger. “You mean these? I rather like them, I think I’ll keep them as a souvenir,” he grins as he lifts his trousers on and places the material in his pocket.

She starts to object and quickly realizes she’s not going to win this one. So she offers a smirk of her own, blushing heavily underneath. “This time,” she relents and turns to head to her bedroom to change clothes. “You win this time,” she calls out over her shoulder, missing Matt’s triumphant ear-to-ear smile. He folds the blanket and neatly places it back on the couch with the pillow. He puts on his shoes and begins to put his dress shirt back on, buttoning the sleeves and hanging the loose bowtie around his collar when he hears the slam of the front door.

“Okay mom! You better start talking and you can’t leave out any det-” Salome stops short when she comes face to face with Matt in the living room. He offers a weak smile and forced wave of the hand. He stands rooted in one spot, afraid to move.

“Alex!”

“Mom!”

They shout for her simultaneously and exchange awkward stares. Alex comes flying down the hallway to witness the heavy silence and discomfort in the air. “Well then,” she chirps. “You two have been wanting to meet each other, so here we are. Salome, this is Matt Smith, my…friend. Matt, this is my daughter Salome.”

Salome whips her head in Alex’s direction at lightning speed. “I just found out you know him, and you’re saying he’s been wanting to meet _me_? How long have you actually known each other?”

Alex gulps and looks to Matt for support. As uncomfortable as he is, being there for her always gives him courage and strength. He approaches Salome. “We’ve actually known each other a long time, through friends. But about two years ago we ran into each other again. Sort of got back in touch. I _have_ heard a lot about you, and am very glad to have the pleasure of meeting you.” He extends his hand to her. She looks down at it but doesn’t return the gesture. Matt is about to pull away when she visibly shakes herself out of a trance.

“I’m sorry,” she laments, extending her hand to his and shaking it, laughing nervously. “I’m just a bit star struck is all.” All three share exhales of relief and similar nervous laughter.

“Oh and I’m not buying the ‘you two are just friends’ thing at all.” Matt and Alex exchange panicked looks. “I’m seventeen I’m not stupid,” she laughs.

The uncomfortable silence once again settles in around them and Matt scratches the back of his head as if searching for an answer. As if a literal light bulb flashes over his head, he claps his hands loudly and smiles.

“Okay then, tell you what. Why don’t I cook you lovely ladies some dinner this evening? We can sit down, talk…” he looks directly at Salome. “Get to know each other. What do you say?” He waits anxiously for a reply.

“Sounds lovely to me,” Alex says calmly, watching her daughter’s facial expressions and body language.

“Okay,” Salome shrugs.

Mat rubs his hands together easily. “Great! Hey, we can all go to the market together and you can pick out whatever it is you’d like me to make.” He looks between the two of them, eyebrows raised in nervous anticipation.

Alex grins adoringly. _Bless_ , she thinks. “I’d love to darling but I have an interview in two hours, remember?”

“Right, okay. How ‘bout just me and you then?” He asks Salome directly.

“M…me?” she stutters.

“’Course,” he smiles and turns to Alex. “Okay with you?”

Alex knows what he’s doing and loves him all the more for it. Trying to reach out to her daughter, to get her approval, to _show_ Alex he’s in this all the way. She nods. “Okay with me.” He turns back to Salome expectantly.

“Okay,” she says coolly, Alex knowing all too well she’s merely trying to hide her excitement. She’s not surprised to know or expect that they’ll get on well, even in this life. A pair of kindred souls, those two are.

“Okay,” Matt says again, it obviously being the hot word of this conversation. “Well we can go now - I’ll just pop over to my place and get on some normal clothes, and then - shopping. And you,” he steps to Alex, “be brilliant at your interview. Like always,” he says in a low voice.

“Don’t you have things to do today? Of all days?” she asks, referring to his career-changing night last night.

He silences her with a shake of his head. “Nothing more important and nothing that can’t wait.”

She feels herself about to shed tears again and cannot afford that right now. “Alright then,” she says brightly, looking between Matt & Salome. “Meet back here later then.” She turns to walk to the front door and Matt follows. Alex pauses, frowning, with a confused look on her face. She places a finger against her pursed lips. “Just one question.”

It’s Matts turn to raise his eyebrows, awaiting the continuation of her thought.

“When in God’s name did you learn how to cook?”

He smiles brightly and chuckles, using a finger to lightly bop her on the nose and step even closer to her. He turns to ensure Salome is no longer watching them and focuses back on Alex. “There are some things you’ve yet to learn about me, Kingston,” he whispers in her ear before quickly extending his tongue and placing a wet kiss to the sensitive spot just below it. “Now go.” He swats her rear playfully and winks at her as he watches her walk out the door. Smiling, contented, he goes to retrieve Salome and begin their morning bonding session.

* * *

 

Some hours later, Matt and Salome venture out of the market with a feast of groceries. He can tell she already likes him, and they have a splendid rapport, yet he also knows she’s very protective of Alex and will not hesitate to put him to the test. Her choices in this evening’s dishes certainly prove to be the first of many such tests.

They begin their drive back to the house, sharing jokes, exchanging stories, laughing all the way. Matt slows to an eventual halt behind a line of cars. He sees brake lights for ages and the stoplight even further away. “Bloody LA traffic,” he mutters under his breath. Salome chuckles and they keep talking, the car stopping and going every few seconds. As he gets closer to the intersection he can see what appears to be a traffic cop directing and diverting cars. The light seems to be functioning properly and Matt wonders what the problem is. As he comes upon the intersection, the traffic cop waves him through and Matt realizes it’s an accident. A bad one. One car flipped on its head and the other looking better, but still worse for wear. He veers to the right to-

“Matt stop!”

Startled, he slams on the brakes, thankful he was only going five miles per hour as it was. “What? What is it?” The cop is blowing his whistle loudly in Matt’s direction to keep going but all he can see is Salome’s ashen face and the only thing he hears is her wobbly, unstable voice.

“That’s mom’s car.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They walk past the heap that was once Alex’s car and Matt feels his heart bottom out in the pit of his stomach. The roof is completely caved in from having landed on its head. There seems to be no part of the car that isn’t dented or warped in some way. His feet crunch glass and he physically shudders, imagining Alex having this horrifying experience and being completely alone. How scared she must have been. He will never forgive himself if he’s lost the chance to tell her how much he loves her. That he will never leave her. That nothing else matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. So. I know it has been unduly long since I've written for this story and I've left many of you hanging. And for that, I can only simply say I'm sorry. I had a bit of a major life shift and move and have not had ample amounts of time to sit and write. But I will tell you this - the next and last chapter will be coming soon. I thank you all for enjoying this story, for urging me to keep going with it, and for being patient with me. I certainly hop the end pleases you.

 

Matt slams his foot on the accelerator pedal as hard as he can, turning the wheel sharply to the left, squealing through the intersection and pulling against a nearby curb, just as quickly slamming on the brakes and throwing the car in park. He’s a second away from jumping out of his seat when out of the corner of his eye, he sees Salome trying to unbuckle her seatbelt with desperately trembling fingers. His strong hand wraps around her shaking wrist as he utters one simple, stern word.

“No.”

Salome looks at him with a mixture of fear and confusion behind glassy eyes.

“You stay here, Sal.”

She starts shaking her head furiously and tries to pry his fingers away from her wrist so she can get the bloody thing undone and get to her mother. “No, no, no…” is all she can mutter out, now with tears falling onto and burning into Matt’s skin. With his other hand he reaches across his body and takes her gently by the shoulder.

“Please, Salome. Just let me go see what’s happened and I promise I’ll be right back for you. I promise,” he urges again, ready to jump out of his skin just so he can get to Alex. He moves his hand to cradle the side of Salome’s face and wipe away her tears. “Please. Let me go.” A millimeter of a nod from her is all he needs before he jumps out of the car with lightning speed, running as fast as he can to the wreckage ahead of him. He takes a mental note of the caution tape. The ambulance. Shattered glass everywhere. The smell of antifreeze and burning metal pierces his senses.

Suddenly it feels as if he’s hit a brick wall. It takes him a moment to recognize it is in fact a police officer that’s stopped him and trying to get his attention.

“Hey, hey, hey – you need to stay back, sir,” he says flatly.

Matt barely even hears him, let alone registers what he’s saying. His eyes don’t leave Alex’s car, flipped on its head, a smoking pile of mangled steel. And she’s nowhere in sight. He lunges again in the same direction, determined to find her. _Where is she? Where is my Alex?_

Brick wall. Again.

This time Matt’s focus comes to and his attention is squarely on this living, breathing, blockade getting in the way of him getting to her. She needs him. He needs her.

“Do you not see the tape, buddy?” the officer says. “This is an accident scene, you can’t get back there.”

Matt’s frantic eyes bore into those of the man standing in front of him. “But that’s my-” he trails off, suddenly completely incapacitated with how to refer to her. “That’s my-” he tries again. Frustrated and terrified, he takes one step back and runs his hands furiously through his hair, growling and interlacing his fingers behind his neck to ensure he doesn’t wring someone else’s. _Quickly. Think quickly._

“She’s my bloody fiancé!” he blurts out before he realizes what he’s saying. Realizing this could get him what he needs, he runs with it, gesturing now with his hands in the direction of his own vehicle. “And the woman in the accident? I’ve got her daughter in my car.” Matt notices the officer’s brow soften ever so slightly and he takes advantage, stepping dangerously close to him – not menacingly; but rather desperate and pleading. “And she’s terrified. And she just wants to know if her mother is alive and well.” Matt feels the very real possibility of losing Alex in this moment, and his emotions overcome him, bringing him to his own tears without any ability to control them. “Please,” he begs hoarsely. “Please just take me to her.”

The officer looks back to Matt’s car, glances around to ensure no other passersby will venture into the area, and finally gestures to Matt to follow him, lifting he caution tape and walking quickly in the direction of the ambulance. They walk past the heap that was once Alex’s car and Matt feels his heart bottom out in the pit of his stomach. The roof is completely caved in from having landed on its head. There seems to be no part of the car that _isn’t_ dented or warped in some way. His feet crunch glass and he physically shudders, imagining Alex having this horrifying experience and being completely alone. How scared she must have been. He will never forgive himself if he’s lost the chance to tell her how much he loves her. That he will never leave her. That nothing else matters.

Least of all how they got here. Or what it took to get them here. He would never let one day go by where he takes for granted the beautiful gift that is her.

They reach the ambulance and the officer stops Matt by placing two gentle hands to his chest. “Just…stay put one second, ok? Let me talk to the medic.”

Matt nods in understanding, sure that he needs to make sure she’s still alive. _Alive_. He swallows hard, feeling like there are shards of that glass raking their way down his throat, tearing him apart from the inside out. Thankfully, the officers head pops back into view within minutes and he gestures with his hand to have Matt join him and the medic. He races over to where they stand at the back of the ambulance. The doors are closed and he can’t see inside the windows. Bloody hell, he just wants to _see_ her.

“Is she alive?” Matt blurts out immediately. He hears the officer introduce him as Alex’s fiancé and explain that her daughter is here and that they just needed any information they could get. The paramedic, seemingly preoccupied with getting things wrapped up quickly, pauses and looks in Matt’s direction. “Yeah, but she’s in bad shape. We gotta get her out of here now. You want to ride with her?”

His heart aches so painfully. Yes, yes of _course_ he wants to ride with her. He wants to jump in the back and take her hand in his, hold it to his heart, and never let go. He wants to whisper softly against her cheek. To feel the pulse of her wrist beat against his thumb. And for a split second, he nearly flings the doors open to do just that, until he remembers Salome waiting for him. So instead, he just shakes his head and points with him thumb behind him. “I can’t, I’ve got my daughter. Just tell me where to go and I’ll meet you.”

He does a slight double take against himself. _My daughter?_ Where in the world that came from escapes him, though he realizes how natural it felt to say it.

“Sinai,” the medic shouts as he turns to walk to the driver’s side door. “And hurry,” he echoes sternly over his shoulder.

Matt snaps back to reality with the weight of those words crushing him like the world digging into Atlas’ shoulders. “Yeah, ‘course,” he mutters. He looks the officer squarely in the eyes and says a pointed “thank you” with a nod before turning back to head to his car.

He draws a sharp intake of breath the second he turns around and sees Salome standing in front of Alex’s car, looking horrified and pale and weak. He swiftly moves to her and catches her just as she starts to crumble, wrapping his arms around her shoulders tightly and supporting her weight against him, bringing her head to his chest. He bends his head to kiss the top of hers and whispers into her hair.

“It’s okay, Sal. She’s gonna be fine.” He holds her tighter. “It’ll be okay. I promise. But we need to go now, okay? We need to go to the hospital.” She nods in between sobs and he shifts to wrap one arm around her shoulder, pulling her arms tightly around his waist. “There you go, hang on to me. Okay?” They walk like this the short distance to the car and he puts her in the passenger seat before hopping in himself and racing as fast as he can to the hospital.

When they arrive, he immediately takes Salome’s hand in his and doesn’t let go. A part of him recognizes that though they’ve just met, their bond is instantaneous. He needs her just as much as she needs him, and he knows this by the force of strength behind her hand squeezing his.

He walks them to the front desk and explains that Alex was brought in by ambulance, asking where he can find her.

“Are you family?”

“Yes,” he nods.

“Relation?”

He nods in Salome’s direction. “This is her daughter.”

The nurse nods and types into the computer. “And your relation?”

Matt swallows hard. He’d said _fiancé_ earlier – does he stick with that? Is that the only way he’ll be able to see her? He opens his mouth to try to figure out what to say when a voice from behind him interrupts him.

“Fiancé, right?”

Matt turns in the direction of the voice. The paramedic. Matt nods and stutters a bit. “Yeah, yeah, that’s right.” He turns back to the nurse. “I’m her fiancé.” He sees the nurse and the medic exchange knowing glances, but neither says anything. Instead, the medic walks up to Matt’s unclaimed side and clamps a hand upon his shoulder. “We know who you are. Don’t sweat it, man. You do what you gotta do,” he mutters in a low voice next to Matt’s ear before continuing. “They’re working on her right now. She was pinned pretty badly, had a bad break in her leg, some head trauma. The doc will tell you more, okay?” He turns to walk away and Matt snaps out of the blurry cloud his words left him in. He lets go of Salome’s hand quickly and catches up to the medic.

“What happened?”

“She was t-boned in the intersection. Big truck didn’t even stop for a red light, hit her at about 45.” He glances over Matt’s shoulder and talks in an even quieter voice. “The kind of damage it did? I’m surprised she even survived. Most people wouldn’t have.”

Matt swallows hard and his everything is on fire with fear. “Alex isn’t most people,” he mumbles half-consciously.

“I hope that’s true,” the medic says as he walks away.

Matt walks back to Salome and draws her over to a couple chairs, where they sit for what seems like an eternity – though every time Matt glances at the clock, mere minutes pass him by. He watches as all sorts of machines and people are brought in and out of the room she’s in. He yearns for any signal, any sign of _something_ to hang on to.

Nothing.

Finally, after a near hour, a doctor walks out and heads in their direction, and they both anxiously stand to greet him.

“Are you here with Ms. Kingston?” Both nod furiously. “Okay…” he breathes out hesitantly, glancing in Salome’s direction, and then focusing on Matt. “Do you want to come with me for just a minute?”

Matt immediately catches on. “No, no. Anything you have to say, you say in front of both of us.”

The doctor hesitates again, but relents anyway. “Her injuries…” he starts and pauses, obviously trying to come up with a tactful way to deliver bad news. “She has a fracture to her right femur, a few broken ribs, and some head injuries that honestly look worse than they actually are.” He trails off, glancing between Matt and Salome. Matt reads him instantly.

“There’s obviously more. So what’s the bad news, then?”

He looks Matt square in the eye. “A large piece of metal from the vehicle got lodged in her abdomen. We were able to remove it without further injury, but she’s lost a lot of blood. And she’s got a very rare blood type. We of course are giving her all we can of our stock, but she’s going to need more. We’ll need to find a donor that’s compatible with her.”

“I’ll do it,” he says immediately.

The doctor hesitates before speaking again. “It’s not that simple, you see. Typically we begin by testing other family members, blood relatives,” he trails off and glances weakly at an ashen Salome. Matt catches on quickly to the doctor’s implication.

“No,” he says sharply.

“I’m not even sure they’d be a match, but – “

“I said no,” Matt bites back seethingly and moves to stand in front of Salome protectively. “She’s a child. You’re not going to poke and prod her and make this any worse for her than it already is. This is her mother we’re talking about.”

“That’s exactly my point,” the doctor urges. “The likelihood of finding the same blood isn’t great, but it’s far greater than the chances you have.”

Matt looks behind him to Salome, still stricken with shock and fresh tears now combining with the dried ones on her cheeks. She looks to him with raised and scared eyebrows, searching for him to answer this question for her. Matt swallows hard and turns back to the doctor.

“Last resort. Test everyone else you can first. Starting with me.”

“We don’t have a large arsenal of time here, Mr. Smith –“

“Well then you better bloody well get on it then, shouldn’t you!” Matt shouts, loud enough to draw the attention of every passer-by around them. He again runs an aggravated hand through his hair. “Please,” he says in a low, soft voice.

The doctor, irritated but resigned, nods his head. “I’ll need your medical records to make it go faster.”

“Done,” Matt says matter-of-factly. “I’ll call them in and you’ll have them in minutes.” The doctor looks Matt sternly in the eyes before turning and walking away. Instinctively, Matt draws an arm around Salome’s shoulders and brings her into him, holding her tightly, willing his own tears not to fall until he’s alone.

* * *

Matt stares into the bottom of his empty Styrofoam coffee cup and counts the number of tiles on the floor. Counts the number of times the phone rings at the nurses’ station. Counts the number of overhead pages he hears calling someone to some room somewhere. He is losing his mind and his patience. He glances over to a sleeping Salome next to him, curled up on an impossibly uncomfortable couch with his jacket acting as a blanket. He’s glad she’s sleeping. The less time awake and thinking about her mother’s life and death, the better.

Though he cannot venture to think about what horrid dreams she might be having. Very gently, he runs a smoothing hand over her hair and rests it atop her head. This can’t happen, not to her. And not to Alex. Losing her life and her daughter before he met her, even in the most bizarre of circumstances, is enough to put anyone through hell. And now? To go through all of that, fighting tooth and nail, _with_ him – _for_ him – Alex doesn’t deserve this. She deserves happiness. She deserves a happy life with her daughter. Why couldn’t the universe leave well enough alone and leave her in the life in which _he_ died? He knows she took it terribly. But she would have moved on. She would have risen again.

She would have lived. He’d give anything in this moment to trade places one more time.

He takes a deep breath in, leaning his head against the wall behind him, and shudders a breath out as he feels the lump in his throat expand in size. His eyes suddenly feel very heavy, and as he flutters them closed for a fraction of a second, he hears someone call his name.

“Mr. Smith?”

He snaps to attention, eyes wide. It’s the doctor. He eases his hand off of Salome, careful not to wake her, and rises to meet him. “So?” he asks eagerly.

The doctor opens his mouth to speak but no words come. He shakes his head in – what, disbelief? “I truthfully don’t know how it’s possible, or probable. But you’re a match for her.”

Matt’s eyes grow wide in disbelief as well and though he fights it, a small smile etches across his lips. This is it. This is his chance to save her. To give her a second chance, just like she gave him. He shrugs his shoulders questioningly before speaking. “So okay then. Let’s go, what do we need to do? Where do I go? Let’s get this started,” he hammers off his words in rapid succession.

The doctor eyes him carefully. “We received your medical records from London, Mr. Smith.”

Matt doesn’t understand. “Yeah, and?”

Salome stirs behind them, waking groggily and sitting up. The doctor takes one look at her and steps to Matt, speaking in a much more hushed, almost whispering tone. “I cannot medically stop you from doing this. But do you really think it’s wise to be giving blood in your state, at least as much as we’re going to need for her?”

It takes a beat for his words to sink in, for Matt to really understand what he’s implying. And then, in a moment of clarity, it dawns on him. “Doesn’t matter,” he says frankly. “I’m doing this for her.” He takes a glance back at Salome as she looks upon them confused, unable to hear their conversation. Then, turning back to the doctor’s direction, adds, “For _them_. Now let’s get on with it.”

 

 


End file.
